Thrift Store Undies

How to Order At Chipotle

2011-01-28T16:21:00.002-05:00

I like to consider myself an expert on many things (many of which I know absolutely nothing about), but if there's one thing I feel absolutely versed on, it's how to order a burrito at Chipotle. Time and time again, I see people using incorrect verbage, terminology, or just plain idiocy when ordering their meal(s). That being said, let's lay some ground rules and establish just how to order at/from Chipotle.

#1. The instant you walk in the door, you are an equal (Maybe not in intelligence however). You chose to eat at this particular restaurant, meaning you want their services. It doesn't matter if you or your parents make $100K+ annually, as long as you are in that establishment you're no better or worse than us. Sure, there's an open kitchen, but if you act like a bitch, we WILL find a way to make you regret it.

#2. There are 3 stations that comprise the front of house: Tortilla, Salsa, and Cash. Each one has a specific role and understanding those roles will go a long way in helping you order properly. Let's review...

a) The tortilla station is responsible for starting your order. Here you may order a Burrito, a Fajita burrito, A Salad, a Burrito Bowl, or Soft/Hard Tacos. To make things easier, please use ONLY those terms. A burrito is not a wrap, a wrap is something health conscious vegetarian douchebags eat. In that same vein, a burrito bowl is just a burrito without the shell, and a salad is just a burrito bowl with the lettuce on the top instead of the bottom.
After you have told the tort station worker what you would like, please also add if you would like the order for here or to go. Subsequently, the individual working said station will ask you "rice and beans?" The correct answer here is not "yes" or "no" ... There are two goddamn options for beans, black and pinto; you're not cracking the enigma machine or solving a MENSA puzzle, if you would like Rice and one particular type of beans, say "Rice and Black/Pinto Beans." If you don't want one of the two say "Rice, no beans" or Beans, no rice." Again, not that difficult. Please, also, be mindful that the names for the beans are BLACK and PINTO. Not "Regular Beans" or "White Beans." I don't know what regular beans are, they all give you gas. White beans are called Canellini, and those would taste pretty shitty on a burrito IMO.
If, by chance, you choose a Fajita please know the following: Beans and Fajita Mix CAN co-exist peacefully on a burrito together. The combination of the two does not prove fatal, and the incredulous look you give the person behind the counter when he/she asks "beans with your fajitas?" make them want to carve your heart out with a slotted spoon. Similarly, asking them to pick out the green peppers or onions pegs you as a arrogant/high maintenance piece of shit.
Next, you will be given the last choice at the Tort station: which meat to choose. Be aware that both the Chicken and the Steak are marinated in Adobo. Adobo is spicy. Chipotle also has Barbacoa, which is their spicy shredded beef. The only thing NOT spicy is the shredded pork (i.e. Carnitas) which are said to be "well seasoned." Please interpret "well seasoned" to be restaurant jargon for "We're telling you this so you'll shut the fuck up about things being spicy." If you have a problem with spicy things, Chipotle's probably not the best place for you to eat. Feel free to search out a Subway, because nothing conveys the idea of Fresh food than a restaurant named after a locale infested with rats and homeless people's urine.

b) From here, you will move on to the Salsa Station. Here, as you might expect, the salsa and ecoutrements are put on your burrito. Chipotle offers 4 different, yet tasty salsas: We have tomato (mild), Green Tomatillo (medium), Corn (meduim), and Red Pepper (Hot). Please refer to these with the terms Tomato, Green, Corn, and Hot. Don't say Pico.. that makes you sound pretentious. Don't say "Fresh Salsa" if you mean Tomato; technically, it's all fresh. Don't Say "medium" without specifying which medium you'd like.
You also have a choice of Sour Cream, Cheese, Guacamole, and Lettuce. Some FYIs here as well. If you're a female and you order extra sour cream, we're just going to assume you like giving head. Ladies, if you are an anomaly and LOVE sour cream but don't love oral sex, please let me know. I don't know that I've met anyone who likes one but not the other.
Also, please be mindful that the order here is SALSA ---> SOUR CREAM --> CHEESE ---> GUAC --> LETTUCE. And don't be a giant dickbag and order Extra Extra salsa or cheese. The workers here can only fit so much shit into a burrito before structural integrity gives way and they have to wrap it 8x. If you're getting tacos, they can fit even less in there, so don't be a whiny wanker and complain that your tacos are "too messy" ... that's your fault, you gluttonous fatass.
Special requests are also highly frowned upon here as well. Don't ask them to wrap a burrito once and then turn it 90 degrees and wrap it again. There's no reason for that aside from announcing tacitly that you are an OCD control freak with nothing better to do than be a dick to workers at a Mexican Restaurant.

c) Finalizing your journey through burrito ordering is the Cash station. Said individual will ask if you want chips or a drink and then fulfill your order. Please be aware that the chips at Chipotle are Corn Chips fried in Soy oil then seasoned with Lime Juice and Salt. If you don't like Lime, don't get them. Also be aware that the person making the chips has to make and bag between 80-100 bags in the morning in the span of an hour or he/she doesn't get to eat. If their slightly overcooked, let it go... they're 1.15 or so. You can deal with it.

My Take on the recent Uproar about bullying

2010-10-02T10:09:00.003-04:00

If you've been on Facebook or Youtube lately, you've probably seen the video of Ellen talking about how she is distraught over recent suicide(s) of numerous members of the LGBT community:

One student killed himself after being outed as gay on Facebook. Many others, she notes, killed themselves after merciless bullying from their peers.

Yes, students killing themselves over something like this is certainly sad, but it brings to light another issue: WHY do these individuals feel so powerless to do anything about bullying and fighting back? This is America. Face it, we're pros at bashing face and blowing shit up when someone wrongs us. And to be perfectly blunt, it's not that LGBT youth started killing themselves (or that they haven't been killed by hatemongers either) just this week. It's that people have insisted on not noticing for quite some time {and will probably stop noticing again after about a week of celebrities bringing it to their attention; ya know, when it becomes inconvenient for them to do so}.

My take on the while bullying issue brings another video to mind:

You see that rattlesnake? You see the rabbit laughing at him? You think the rabbits would have kept laughing if he would have collected himself, said "Yeah, it's a rattle for a tail. Fuck you," bit/poisoned the rabbit, and then consumed him in front of his friends? No, I doubt they would have. Stop allowing other people to dictate your feelings about yourself. You're not an online video, you're not a ribbon inspired cause, and you're sure as hell not an opinion. Stand up and fight back.

All Twitterpated

2010-09-24T17:15:00.004-04:00

Fine, I'll admit it, I'm a social media junkie. As soon as a new website dedicated to sharing information with the denizens of the internet is spawned, I'm on it like white on rice.

I've got 2 Facebook accounts: one personal and one for more "offensive" content

I've got 2 Twitter accounts: one personal and one to promote my hometown's popular Pumpkin Show.

I've got a Tumblr

And you just know I'm going to hop on the Diaspora bandwagon as soon as they release the beta version of their open-source answer to Facebook (Hi, I'm Eric, and I've been a nerd for as long as I can remember)

Taking my illness into account, it was no surprise that I was completely stoked to hear Twitter was coming out with a new interface. I waited patiently for my turn with the new layout, cursed the gods of entropy as, one by one, many of those whom I was following got their crack at it: Mike_FTW got it, fucking Alyssa Milano got it, and then... as if by magic, I returned home from lunch with the fiancee and there it was. My turn to "preview" the new Twitter.

and, much like things about which I get excited, this new offering didn't really do much for me. Sure, there are some good things and some bad things, but new Twitter isn't equivalent to opening up a bicycle on Christmas or getting that proverbial pony you always wanted. For me, and most likely for others, it's like forcing yourself to read through something on Oprah's book list: you know it's supposed to be good, but there's just something that prevents you from getting the most out of it.

Things I detest about new twitter:
* you can't resize anything. The dimensions of the timeline and the dimensions of the opaque miscellany column are fixed. What's the reasoning behind this? Hell, even the new iTunes lets you adjust the width of your columns, what would be the problem in doing this?

* Who to follow is still prominently featured in the sidebar. Apparently Twitter didn't get the memo when this feature went down a few weeks ago that the majority of their user base couldn't give two shits less about follower coercion.

*Navigation tabs are at the top with no quick way to get back to them. This means that, after you have read the updates from all 800+ friends, you have to scroll back to the top in order to see if you have any @ replies or retweets, etc. This isn't a problem if you are using another program like TweetDeck or Hootsuite, but if you're doing that anyway, then NewTwitter is a non-issue. Is it a problem to take an extra 5-10 seconds to scroll back to the top? No, but it kinda gives the impression that Twitter was more concerned about adding bells and whistles to the site rather than streamlining the experience.

Thing(s?) I enjoy about the new Twitter:
* Multitasking just got a HELL of a lot easier. If I want to see who else has tweeted to Daniel Tosh about the new Human Caterpillar movie, all I have to do is send him an @ reply and then click on the resultant arrow. If I want to see an aggregation of certain hastags, that's made a lot easier as well. If I want to track the conversation of two snarky Kansas sisters on their way to Des Moines, I can even do that: placing one feed on the left, then placing the other on the right.

* From an aesthetic standpoint, it's nice to have a moderately transparent sidebar. I got so sick of all these people on Twitter putting up contact info as a background and not realizing that the width of the timeline completely obscured the self-promoting BS they were trying to get across. Now, I can see their horrible ads. Or, in the rare case of someone with a good background, I can see Bea Arthur's boobs, or Tom Selleck eating a sandwich while bathing in a waterfall.

So that's my 2 cents. I'd love to hear your opinion on New Twitter if you have been fortunate enough to use it.

Caring And Maintenance of Your Introvert

2010-01-09T14:34:00.002-05:00

Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties or cancels them at the last minute and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.

I know. My name is Eric, and I am an introvert.

Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic (well, not ALL the time anyways). Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests--as long as they are something in which I'm also interested. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.

What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."

How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.

Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.

Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.

The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."

How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.

Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"

Third, don't say anything else, either.

America: Too Stupid To Cook

2010-01-07T16:35:00.002-05:00

Americans are being taught we’re too stupid to cook and it’s simply not true.”

This one sentence summarizes my problem with my celebri-chefs; though, at the same time, it turns my frustration from a wall into a lens. Americans are being taught that we’re too stupid to cook. That cooking is so hard we need to let other people do it for us. The messages are everywhere. Boxed cake mix. Why is it there? Because a real cake is too hard! You can’t bake a cake! Takes too long, you can’t do it, you’re gonna fail!

Look at all those rotisserie chickens stacked in the warming bin at the grocery store. Why? Because roasting a chicken is too hard, takes FOREVER. An hour. I don’t have an hour to watch a chicken cook!

Companies that make microwaveable dinners have spent countless R&D dollars to transform dishes that used to take 7 minutes in the microwave into ones that take 3 minutes. “Hey, Marge, that’s four minutes of extra TEE-vee we can watch!”

In practically every single cookbook produced today, the message is: "buy this book because we show you easy things to make fast. Only takes a second!!" Whether it’s Rachael’s 30-minute meals or the quick-and-easy columns in the food magazines. That’s all we hear. Real cooking is hard and difficult so here are the nifty shortcuts and tips to make all that hard stuff quickly and easily.

It’s the wrong message to broadcast (unless you’re a prepared foods exec, in which case you want people to go on believing cooking is difficult—they want your money!). We’re not too stupid and lazy to cook. Of the top five books on the NYTimes advice and how-to bestseller list, half are about cooking—not about losing weight, not about finding god, how to be as rich as your neighbor or how to find love in 30 minutes. Book sales generally are stagnant but cookbooks keep selling. People want to cook but they’re told at every click of the television remote, in every cookbook, in all the magazines, this is HARD... so here are the shortcuts!

First cookbook I’m going to write? It’s going to be called, Recipes That Take a Really Long Time and Are Too Hard For People To Do. (The only problem would be coming up with enough recipes where that was actually true.)

I don’t cook every day, Sometimes work goes on too long and I don’t even have 30 minutes to cook—fine, fry a burger and mic some frozen peas. Order take out.

I’m not an idiot. I know people are busy. I don’t always feel like making dinner. And I know a lot of people who simply don’t like to cook. If I had to knit my own clothes I’d be really bummed. But the notion that cooking is hard and that it takes a long time and we’re just too stupid to cook is wrong. And I want people to recognize the truth from the bill of goods they’re being sold.

The World’s Most Difficult Roasted Chicken Recipe

Turn your oven on high (450 if you have ventilation, 425 if not). Coat a 3- or 4-pound chicken with coarse kosher salt so that you have an appealing crust of salt (a tablespoon or so). Put the chicken in a pan, stick a lemon or some onion or any fruit or vegetable you have on hand into the cavity. Put the chicken in the oven. Go away for an hour. Watch some TV, play with the kids, read, have a cocktail, have sex. When an hour has passed, take the chicken out of the oven and put it on the stove top or on a trivet for 15 more minutes. Finito.

(But be careful, you might find this so boring that you’ll start thinking about making stock next. Don’t. Too hard. Takes too long. You’ll have to clean the pot. I’m telling you now. Don’t risk it. Consider yourself warned. Don’t blame me if you wind up with something delicious on your hands.)

It's pretty hard to fight dogs in Metropolitan Detroit...just sayin'

2009-02-13T17:03:00.001-05:00

Falcons GM says team to trade Vick

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ESPN.com news services

Atlanta general manager Thomas Dimitroff acknowledged in an interview on the team's Web site that the Falcons have decided to trade the rights to their suspended quarterback, Michael Vick.

NFL.com Video

The No. 4 mobile quarterback of all-time is Michael Vick.

"With regards to Michael Vick, we've decided to seek a trade of his contractual rights to another NFL club," Dimitroff said in a Q & A with AtlantaFalcons.com. "We took a number of steps in the 2008 season, including using our first pick to draft a quarterback. We feel a trade is the best move for the Falcons, and it's also in the best interest of Michael.

"This has been a really unique situation from a variety of standpoints and because we will actively be involved in a trade situation, I don't envision our organization speaking any more about this subject publicly until it's reached a resolution."

Vick is serving a 23-month sentence at the federal penitentiary at Leavenworth, Kan., for his role in a dogfighting conspiracy. He is scheduled for release July 20 but could serve the last few months of his term at a halfway house in Newport News, Va., his hometown.

Vick has a contract that runs to 2013 and calls for him to receive a base salary of $9 million and a bonus of $6.43 million in 2009. The remainder of the contract is worth $45.11 million, with another possible $3 million in Pro Bowl bonuses.

Dimitroff said the Falcons have had no discussions with other teams because Vick is under suspension by the NFL, "but we think some teams might be interested in exploring a trade."

Dimitroff said if the Falcons are unable to complete a trade, the team would re-evaluate.

ESPN'S Ed Werder reported that according to a highly placed team source, the Dallas Cowboys have had no discussions within their organization about the possibility of trading for the rights to Vick.

Last April, the Cowboys became the first team in NFL history to complete a trade for a player under suspension at the time of the transaction when they acquired Adam "Pacman" Jones from the Tennessee Titans.

The Falcons made a move last year for a quarterback, taking Boston College's Matt Ryan as their first-round draft choice. He ended up as the league's rookie of the year and led the Falcons to the playoffs.

I want this...

2009-01-23T17:27:00.001-05:00

Hamburger Bed Design:
Vegetarian’s Worst Nightmare

What better way to go to sleep at night or simply hang out while watching TV then a deluxe or special hamburger bed…eh..actually it is a Chesseburger; I mean, this bed design truly looks comfortable and pampering.

One great thought came to mind is that it is always done to the right preference, the vegetables will never rot, and may give you a meaty satisfaction…hopefully saving you money on eating out.

While I heard of people being in love with their furniture and others saying they have the most comfortable bed, this Hamburger Bed has its own Facebook Page. You can become a fan of it, get inspired by its juiciness, vegetables or slice of cheese on top. I wonder if vegetarians will stir away from this bed design because of its theme, and if some religions stir away because of the cheese slice with meat.

I love different food designs and few worth noting are the Nikon D700 Camera Cake, Lego Sushi, and also the Sushi USB Gadgets.

She's probably right...

2009-01-07T21:38:00.002-05:00

As the snow comes down here in Newark, I get an email from my mother --a school teacher for going on 33 years now-- saying that the only reason we have so many cancellations and delays nowadays is because America is fostering an "uber-litigious paradigm"

And, after I shook off the coolness that my 57 year old mother used the phrase "uber litigious paradigm" I actually stopped to think ...

well, yeah, now that you mention it.

Dammit... my mother is right about something ELSE !

Thoughts??

No, you can't eat my puppy!

2008-12-26T10:39:00.003-05:00

It's been a busy couple days around the house. Wednesday took the puppy and I to dad's house where we cooked a nice entree of Chicken Saltimbocca (pounded chicken cutlets with a prosciutto, spinach, and parmesan filling) with what I call "Stoplight Salad" (Romaine with chickpeas, avocado, roasted peppers, and pomegranate). Dad and Jane loved both of the offerings, which meant a lot to me. I also scored a 7" Santoku knife and a high quality mandolin which we used to make potato chips and fries later on in the evening. (Having worked at a KFC early in his life, Dad is pretty good w/ frying things)

Christmas Day brought with it an almost interminable stream of food-related swag for me (and R) to open. Take a look at what we ended up with when all was said and done:
Current Haul:
14 Speed Food Processor
Wooden Spoons (because, IMO, you can never have too many wooden spoons)
Coffeemaker (helpful when culinary school starts at 6:30 AM)
Blender (with smoothie spout)
Iced Tea Machine (ok, ok, ok... we bought this for ourselves)
Apple Corer
Apple peeler/slicer/corer wunderkind thingie from Pampered Chef
Shaker (which will get heavy use come New Year's)
Mini-mixer (w/ quasi-suggestive mini-attachments)
Green Bags (for meat, veggies, & bread)
Monogrammed-Sandstone Coasters
Peeling Paws (abrasive ove-gloves that peel potatoes for you)
And..
a smelly stone, some metal thing that looks like a ped-egg and take the fish and garlic smell out of your pots and pants

and ya' wanna know the best part. I still have 1 more Christmas left to go: the Xmas to end all Xmases at my maternal grandmother's in Chicago. Knowing their predilection for spoiling the nephews and grandkids... I'm sure I'll be updating this post at a later date. I'll also try to demo some of the more *ahem* unusual products I received.

but, despite all this wond'rous food swag. The best present I got this Christmas, was a cute little bugger who tends to snuggle up in my armpits right before he (or I) go to sleep. Seriously, how cute is he?

While enjoyable, undies aren't generally edible

2008-12-19T13:45:00.005-05:00

I've alwas been one to mix business and pleasure (sorry about the floor in COWspace BTW), but it just doesn't seem right this time. There seems to be a jumble going on between what I'm doing and what I'm EATING; and my overly OCD brain can't really handle it (even if my loyal readers can). So I'm branching out and starting a food blog.

Therefore, I suggest you use Thrift Store undies as a veritable "aperatif" to the food blog. I've also moved all the food links over to the new site too. Links available on this site will simply pertain to friends, randomonium, or current events.

Anywho, without further ado, I present

LUSH-FU

Today's offering:
Angus Sirloin Fra Diavolo
(Angus sirloin with rub comprised of Jalepeno and Serrano Peppers, Chile Flakes,
and accentuated by minced garlic and sweet smoked paprika)

Recovery Salad
(Dandelion greens and fennel topped w. roasted beets, goat cheese, and toasted walnuts.
Balsamic Vinegarette Dressing served on the side)

From the dog...

2008-12-07T19:26:00.001-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS
hey, be glad. We could have posted the one with his penis showing

I wish it was something less serious

2008-12-01T15:07:00.001-05:00

Happy World AIDS Day

Playing around with beans and chicken

2008-11-22T16:24:00.005-05:00

Got a little bored with pantry items the other day and tried a little plating experiment with what we whipped up on the fly. It's certainly no masterpiece of molecular gastronomy, but I think Rori would agree that the meal was decent if nothing else.

Also to be noted: I'd take pictures of what we're doing in class, but they tend to look down on cameras in the kitchen. Besides, we're just working on mother sauces and salads right now and that doesn't work very well in the area of "interesting subject matter."

Chicken:
brush with lemon juice, sprinkle both sides with Oregano
Grill for about 15min/side
add salt and pepper to taste

Couscous:
In shallow pot, combine about 2-2.5c water and 1Tbsp oil or butter (I prefer butter)
-->bring to boil
pour in couscous, stir thoroughly until all water is absorbed.
Take couscous off heat, add it any seasonings you may desire.
For plating: take any small container (e.g. 4" tupperware if handy) coat lightly with oil/butter and pack couscous in. You may also put cheese or other toppings in the container before the couscous if desired.
Place plate upside-down and on-top of container, flip over, pat container, and couscous should fall out in a molded form.

3 Bean Salad:
1 can navy beans, drained/rinsed
1 can kidney beans, drained/rinsed
1 can pinto beans, drained/rinsed
juice of 2 lemons
1 tsp scallions, finely sliced
1 tsp parsley, finely chopped
1/3c E.V.O.O
[sugar may be added to taste]
Place all 3 kinds of beans in large mixing bowl and toss with remaining ingredients. Season, to taste, with salt and pepper

Also, here are some foodblogs to check out if you're bored:
Unbreaded
Endless Simmer
Gluten Free Globe
The Wonders of Molecular Gastronomy

Newsflash Turkeys can't see Russia if necks cut off

2008-11-22T08:53:00.004-05:00

Classic, F**king classic.

If you haven't heard yet, Sarah "Epic Failin' " Palin did an interview with Alaska television station KTUU (read: publicity stunt in hopes of setting up for 2012) and, since she couldn't display a Mission Accomplished banner, she went a little more topical in giving a Gubernatorial pardon to a turkey.

What happens next, however, is what's particularly humorous. While being interviewed and blathering on about her normal stumping points (Big gov't is bad, I have a son in Iraq, blah blah blah) the camera man pans juuuuuust a tad to the right to reveal.... a turkey.... being slaughtered.

*edit* : if you FF>> to around the 2:35 mark, you can actually see the "Oh Shit/Eureka" moment of the farm worker as he realizes the struggling turkey is visible to the camera and thus he positions his body in front of it.

It's not always about Passion and Drive

2008-11-21T17:58:00.003-05:00

A chef at school went on a diatribe in ServSafe class, questioning our seriousness as culinarians. As she said, "A lot of you coming through my class say you want to be executive chefs and managers, but it baffles me why you won't even take the time to READ literature about the industry." She subsequently went on to recommend things like the El Bulli Cookbook and Kitchen Confidential... even Roasting in Hell's Kitchen.

And I sat and thought about it for a few minutes, because--honestly--my mind certainly wasn't focusing on internal temperatures for cooking ratites or the 4 proper ways of thawing food; and when all was said and done, I came to the following conclusion: "Hey, that bat-shit crazy manhattan widow has a point."

So, after class, (partially because I'm a brown noser but mainly because I like to read). I asked her if I could borrow the French Laundry Cookbook,

a memoir written by Thomas Keller, one of the most innovative chefs in America today (his restaurants are often rated as the top 5 in America) and recommended by one of the best young avant-guard chefs, Gerard Craft.

As I began reading, I stumbled upon a passage that struck a chord with me and still resonates:
Shortly before I moved away from NY, some friends took me out to our favorite restaurant in Chinatown, and, as always, we went to Baskin Robbins afterward. I'd been nervous about a food an wine event; I guess it had been in teh back of my mind for quite some time up to that point. But, when I ordered and ice-cream cone, the boy behind the counter put the cone in a little holder and said, "here ya go."

The moment he said it, I thought, "There it is!" We're going to take our lstandard tuiles and we're going to make cones with them and we're going to fill them with salmon tartare. You can do it with meat-julienne of prosciutto with melon. Truthfully, the cone is just a vehicle.

Because it was a canape that people really began to associate with us, I decided that everyone who eats at the restaurant should begin the meal with this cornet. People always smile when they get it too; it makes them happy. But I wouldn't have come up with it if I hadn't been sad. I had been handed an ice-cream cone a hundred times before and it never resulted in anything. I had to be sad to see it.

Despite this passage being quite a metaphor for the way Keller cooks: repitition until perfection melded with the unexpected twisted into the orthodoxly appreciable. It also, however, has a universal truth that most chefs--in my opinion--appreciate. In our industry, we throw around words like drive, and passion, and submission. And, while all those adjectives and emotions have an established and rightful place in the kitchen. Perhaps we should all strive, like Keller, to allow all of our emotions to affect our palette, our decisions, and our creative juices.

Nothin much: Slayin' Giants, Slashing Foreshinks....what'chu doin ?

2008-11-20T14:46:00.004-05:00

This passage raises several thousand questions. Just off the top of my head:

What did Saul (the king at the time) want with 100 foreskins? Was he going to make a scarf?

Did David think this was a strange request?

If this was secretly a plan to have David killed, why didn't he require he bring back, say, 100 bear foreskins?

Did David just wander into Philistia and kill the first 200 men he saw? Did they think this was odd? Or, with all the other shit that went down back then, did they just shrug it off?

How do you forcefully circumcise 200 men without violating the "Don't grab the junk" commandment ?

Whose job was it to count the foreskins after David came back? Do they make a pair of tongs long enough for that task?

We're guessing we'll never know. It doesn't matter, because at its heart, this story is about love. For the hand of Micah, David went further than any man would have gone. Way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way further.

Ladies, when a man finally proposes to you, ask him one simple question: "How many dongs would you mutilate for me?" If you demand a hundred and he doesn't blink, he's a keeper. But, if he's David, who was sent after a hundred and then came back with twice that many just for the hell of it, well, you've got a love for the ages.

Maybe this would work for my student loan payments...

2008-11-15T16:59:00.004-05:00

*clicking on picture takes you to full story*

EDIT: credit goes out to Smail for posting this on his blog 1st. Sorry Mike, didn't mean to plagiarize. It would appear great minds think alike.

And another thing:

2008-11-14T15:31:00.006-05:00

Other things that piss Eric off:

#1) * People who claim that the absence of something still counts as the presence of something.
For example: Being an atheist is a religious belief.

Ok, maybe technically this can be construed as true. However, a standard definition of "religion" states that,
A religion is a set of tenets and practices, often centered upon specific supernatural and moral reality, the cosmos, and human nature, and often codified as prayer, ritual, or religious law. Religion also encompasses ancestral or cultural traditions, writings, history, and mythology, as well as personal faith and religious experience. The term "religion" refers to both the personal practices related to communal faith and to group rituals and communication stemming from shared conviction.

In this case, atheism is not a religious belief because it doesn't have ANY tenets that I know of, nor is it grounded in any supernatural or moral ideology. Furthermore, the only religious experience most people who are atheists have is a bad one with fundamentalists which leads them, thusly, to shared convictions consisting simply of not believing in something.

#2.) Breading Vegetables
Today, for my kitchen practical, I had to make pan-seared Eggplant Parmesan. Before you can drop the Eggplant in the hot oil, however, you must cut it into 1/4" slices and then bread the bitch. Now, breading is not difficult, in that it only requires 3-5 steps (usually), it's just the principal of the thing. No, scooping flour isn't hard, nor is dredging the eggplant slices. Making an eggwash and toasting and mincing bread for bread crumbs isn't that hard either.

It's simply the fact that, you have to season EVERYTHING in the breading process: the flour gets salt and pepper (and nutmeg depending on your taste), the egg wash gets milk or water, and the bread crumbs get parsley. For shit's sake, if a vegetable is SO bland that it needs seasoned to THAT extent, why don't we just make some breaded tofu??

In any case, I made some pretty kickass Eggplant and only missed 2pts on the practical.

#3.) All the hype over the "Twilight" movie
Are we in such an emo driven, post-Harry potter funk that we have to go for this drivel? Oooh, a really pale guy who knows how to treat women!! Um, pretty sure I saw that movie when it was called "Powder."

And while we're on the subject, what's so difficult about being dark and romantic? I can be dark and romantic.... I'll just turn the lights off when I have sex.

Friendly Political Advice: You're Welcome

2008-11-07T19:30:00.007-05:00

Starting with this...

2008-11-05T17:29:00.003-05:00

Eric's attempt to serialize everything that pisses him off starts with the following:

#1.) People who, when trying to spell how they elongate a syllable... type the wrong letter repeatedly.
For example: anddddd instead of aaaaaaaand

Seriously assholes, sound it out to yourself and realize what letter to repeat.

*Edit* : this also includes people who type redundant letters in abbreviations; like LOLOL. No Shit stupid, we don't need to knos that you're laughing out loud, OUT LOUD. You already told us that

I am gonna make SO much money off of this.

2008-11-05T15:15:00.002-05:00

Wal-Mart, in their never ending quest for outright douchebaggery of America, started to play Christmas music on November 1st... because, honestly, what goes better with Pre-Thanksgiving cavities than Nat Kin Cole crooning about a white yuletide?

Sure, some of you may be rolliong your eyes and dismissing me as a grinch, but that's not entirely accurate. I like Christmas music as much as the next guy. My itunes list includes 4 or 5 Christmas CDs and a smattering of other assorted goodness ranging from Josh Grobin's Angels We Have Heard on High to Carol of the Bells done by The Bird and The bee. My contention is simply that we need to observe the natural progression of holidays (all of them except the Mexican and Jewish influenced ones anyway). Halloween, THEN Thanksgiving, THEN Christmas. I mean, it's not like Wally World can't make just as much money off of Thanksgiving as they can off of Halloween considering all the fixings available for munching: Turkey, Ham, Tofu (blech), Cranberry Sauce, Stuffing, Pie, etc etc., ad nauseum. Anyway, I digress.

In reality, I doubt the Walton family has any plans to stop playing Christmas music any time soon. But, this may be due more to lack of options than anything else. I mean, how many mainstream/adult-contemporary Thanksgiving songs can you think of? For that matter, how many liturgical hymns can you think of that deal with Thanksgiving?

By doing a little digging I came up with the 16 most popular songs pertaining to Thanksgiving; they are:

Now, I personally know the lyrics and melody to a whopping two of these... and I grew up with a father whose passion is church music. I doubt there are many of you out there who know, from memory, how more than a handful of these go. Even the most popular tune (For The Beauty of The Earth) has been redone by John Rutter.

So here's my idea. I need to think up a Thanksgiving tune in the next few weeks, get it recorded, and whored out to radio companies. Because, according to Billboard.com, every time a song is played, the artist gets a whopping 12cents in royalties. So let's assume that your song gets played once an hour, and that it's only playing on major city radio stations. Let's also assume that every state in America has 2 major cities. That would equate to:

24hrs x 2 cities x 50 states x 27 days from 11-1 to Thanksgiving x .12 = $7,776 USD

Almost 8 grand from singing about pilgrims and turkeys and familial dysfunction! And that's not even considering an international market we could tap in on if we used Yanni or David Hasslehoff. How has No one cashed in on this yet??

Anthony Bourdain is a God amongst Men

2008-11-01T19:59:00.002-04:00

One of the first papers I had to write in Culinary school was a short explanation of my culinary heroes: Who they were and why I respected/admired them so much. While a lot of my peers named grandparents and chefs with whom they had worked in their lifetimes, I felt as if I was at a large disadvantage. Sure, there are chefs with whom I empathize. For example, Food Network's Tyler Florence was a latchkey child who improvised on the food shelter provisions afforded to his single parent family every month. However, it rather pains me to cite a Food Network celebrity as a culinary hero because my general opinion is that FoodTV, while providing a good catalyst to get people interested in food, ultimately does a great disservice to the restaurant world because people simply want to emulate the chefs they see rather than building on the cuisine provided by the aforementioned artists.

So I thought long and hard and came up with a top three. In no particular order, I highly respect Thomas Keller for his authorship, his mentoring of amazing chefs like Grant Achatz (of Alinea fame in Chicago) and Duff Goldman (i.e. "That Ace of Cakes Guy"), and his ingenuity in creating dishes that are tasteful/original yet still accessible (as opposed to someone like Ferran Adrian). I also like Masa Takayama, because I want to have that level of renown in my career. Masa is a perfectionist through and through, and it's through his unequivocal dedication to his art that he has produced Masa... the most expensive restaurant in NYC, and the 2nd best sushi restaurant in the WORLD. Keller and Takayama are rather reclusive in their trade though, preferring to let their food talk for them. What I needed as a coup de grace for my paper was someone who lets his food AND his mouth do the talking for him. And if you take those requirements into account, then there's really only one chef who preperly fits the bill: Anthony Bourdain. I mean, c'mon... you have to respect a man who #1) Writes a scathing book about the culinary underbelly upon becoming famous, and #2) jests that the worst thing he's ever eaten (including unwashed warthog rectum, beheaded and breathing king cobra, and seal's retina) is a Chicken McNugget. Bourdain is even so nice as to reinfoce my beliefs about the "sell out" nature of Food Network. In a guest blogging stint on ruhlman.com, Bourdain even went as far as to verbalize his disdain for certain celebri-chefs. Listed below are some of my favorite diatribes:

MARIO!
Oh, Mario! Oh great one! They shut down Molto Mario--only the smartest and best of the stand-up cooking shows. Is there any more egregiously under-used, criminally mishandled, dismissively treated chef on television? Relegated to the circus of Iron Chef America, where--like a great, toothless lion, fouling his cage, he hangs on--and on--a major draw (and often the only reason to watch the show). How I would like to see him unchained, free to make the television shows he’s capable of, the Real Mario--in all his Rabelasian brilliance. How I would love to hear the snapping bones of his cruel FN ringmasters, crunching between his mighty jaws! Let us see the cloven hooves beneath those cheery clogs! Let Mario be Mario!

THAT ACE OF CAKES GUY: Hey…He’s got talent! And..he seems to be a trained chef! And he’s really making food--and selling it in a real business! I think…I like it! If I have one reservation, it’s that I have no idea if the stuff actually TASTES good. It LOOKS really creative and quirky--and I’m interested but…I mean...it’s like construction going on over there from what we’re told and shown. One suspects that the producers don’t want to waste valuable time talking about anything so technical as food--on “Food” Network. I mean...what’s in those cakes, beneath the icing and marzipan and fondant? That said, it’s the only “kicky, new, cutting edge, in-your-face” hopeful they’ve managed to trot out of any quality in memory. Hope it lasts. Wait till they try and put the poor bastard on a pony--or do a “Tailgate Special” with the usual suspects. Or a “Thanksgiving Special” where he has to sit down with the bobbleheads and pretend to like it. On balance, it’s still probably the best new project they’ve come up with in a long, long time.

RACHAEL: Complain all you want. It’s like railing against the pounding surf. She only grows stronger and more powerful. Her ear-shattering tones louder and louder. We KNOW she can’t cook. She shrewdly tells us so. So...what is she selling us? Really? She’s selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough. She’s a friendly, familiar face who appears regularly on our screens to tell us that “Even your dumb, lazy ass can cook this!” Wallowing in your own crapulence on your Cheeto-littered couch you watch her and think, “Hell…I could do that. I ain’t gonna…but I could--if I wanted! Now where’s my damn jug a Diet Pepsi?” Where the saintly Julia Child sought to raise expectations, to enlighten us, make us better--teach us--and in fact, did, Rachael uses her strange and terrible powers to narcotize her public with her hypnotic mantra of Yummo and Evoo and Sammys. “You’re doing just fine. You don’t even have to chop an onion--you can buy it already chopped. Aspire to nothing…Just sit there. Have another Triscuit…Sleep….sleep….”

SANDRA LEE: Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time. She Must Be Stopped. Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What’s the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see. This is simply irresponsible programming. Its only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban--or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blonde repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themseles with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.

N**ger Muslim Terrorists are alright with me...

2008-10-31T16:28:00.002-04:00

This video makes me ashamed to be an Ohioan. Seriously people, think for yourselves.

I'm in culinary school, I will cut you!!

2008-10-30T16:34:00.005-04:00

The day you feared would one day happen is finally nigh. Or, actually, has been nigh for about 4 days. That's right folks, yours truly is in culinary school. Strangely enough, however, my only response when people ask me what I've learned to cook is "potatoes," or "vegetable soup," because in Culinary school, they foster the seeds of serial killers with dismemberment fetishes early on.

Basically, we've been peeling vegetables and practicing our dices and cuts, which look a lot like the picture to the left. All kinds of cuts with fancy names, names like "Fine Dice, Small Dice, Medium Dice, and Large Dice" and Unpronounceable French cuts like "Batonnette" which means "French Fry," Julienne (trans: small french fry), and Brunoise (trans: who the f**k wants food this small?).

In addition to this, we've also learned how to chop herbs (fascinatingly easy) and do a Chiffonade (i.e. make rich people think you know what you're doing) chop. And we do it all with a knife that measures about 11" long and it sharp enough to slice your fingernail off if you make the slightest mistake in curling your fingers (*cough* cough, not that I have done that or anything *cough*)

The bane of my existence so far though, is something called the "tourne" cut. Tourne being French for "bend over and take it." Basically, the tourne cut is only used in Classical French Cooking (something with which I would like to have NOTHING to do) and requires the chef to take a relatively round potato--or carrot/cucumber/zucchini--square it off, then take a paring knife to the rectangular shape, ultimately ending up with a 7-sided, football shaped piece of shit that will just end up being boiled/mashed/steamed like all the other, non-7-sided potatoes. For a demonstration, I'll let Chef Negro McManHands show you how it's done:

Please take note, as well, that this knife skill is not NEARLY as easy as he is making it out to be.

Pointless Food Meme

2008-10-24T16:06:00.002-04:00

I'm starting Culinary School on Monday (Monday?! Holy s**t), here's a food-based meme all about food and my food preferences. Feel free to fill me in on your particular food likes/dislikes via the comment section.

What's the last thing you ate?
a ham and cheese sammich and some pretzels at work

What's your favorite cheese?
Extra Sharp Cheddar (with Bree and String Cheese getting silver and Bronze Respectively)

What's your favorite fish?
AhiTuna

What's your favorite fruit?
Oranges (with apples and kiwi close behind)

When, if ever, did you start liking olives?
probably during Christmas; it's a tradition. Dad's side likes green olives, Mom's prefers black

When, if ever, did you start liking beer?
Never really. I'm really just a social drinker and, recently, only have 1-2 at most.

When, if ever, did you start liking shellfish?
In the womb most likely. Mom is a giant shell fish fan and it probably got passed on to me in utero

What was the best thing your parent/s used to make?
Um, mom's not the best cook in the world but she tries hard. Her Chicken Salad or Lemon Poppy Muffins were probably at the top of my list.

What's the native specialty of your home town?
Circleville? Anything Pumpkin (Pie sticks in my mind for some reason)

What's your comfort food?
Sushi . And if I don't have money for sushi, it's Nachos and Salsa.

What's your favorite type of chocolate?
Milk Chocolate.

How do you like your steak?
Medium. Warm, with a pink center

How do you like your burger?
a little more done than my steak. Medium-Well. I generally only eat burgers at friend's houses and I want to make sure they are cooked thoroughly.

How do you like your eggs?
Over Easy or Scrambled. Depends on what I'm having alongside the eggs

How do you like your potatoes?
Any way you want to cook them. I don't really think you can mess up potatoes very badly. I like them cubed w/ butter and herbs, Au Gratin, Scalloped, halved, and with Corn beef and Cabbage. Tubers are pretty versatile.

How do you take your coffee?
2 sugars, 1 cream

How do you take your tea?
SWEET ! Blame my living in Atlanta for that...

What's your favorite mug?
Root Beer? I don't really have a mug. My friend Bennet used to have a giant German beer stein that was pretty cool though.

What's your cookie of choice?
The sugar cookies my grandfather made in his prime were fantastic. Now I like the gas station lemon iced cookies, they're a guilty pleasure.

What's your ideal breakfast?
Canadian Bacon, Hash browns, Light and Fluffy Scrambled Eggs, and some O.J.

What's your ideal sandwich?
Italian Disaster: Salami, Prosciutto, Pepperoni, and maybe some Sopressatta on Rye bread with a little mayo.

What's your ideal pizza (topping and base)?
I like Pepperoni, Sausage, and Black Olives. I've also had some killer Buffalo Chicken Pizzas as well.

What's your ideal pie (sweet or savory)?
I'm from Circleville; I'd get shot if I said anything other than Pumpkin

What's your ideal salad?
Greek salad: some iceberg and Romaine with Feta Cheese, Onions, and Kalamata Olives.

What food do you always like to have in the fridge?
Cheese

What food do you always like to have in the freezer?
Beef, Chicken (Ice Cream if we have coupons)

What food do you always like to have in the cupboard?
Corn, Green Beans, Pasta

What spices can you not live without?
Salt and Pepper are what we have right now; I like to have Parsley, Garlic Powder, and some others too, but they're not essential

What sauces can you not live without?
I can live without sauces really. If it's cooked well, the sauce shouldn't really NEED to be added in most cases.

Where do you buy most of your food?
Wally World in Newark/Heath

How often do you go food shopping?
Whenever what we have runs out. Maybe 1-2 a month

What's the most you've spent on a single food item?
I think I've spent close to 50 on a steak before. 94th Aero Squadron or Cameron Mitchell's M. The Aero Squadron steak was worth it, the M steak was not.

What's the most expensive piece of kitchen equipment you own?
My knife set for Culinary school ran about 180$. Maybe the blender other than that, not really sure.

What's the last piece of equipment you bought for your kitchen?
LOL, a wooden spoon. I go through spoons quickly for some reason

What piece of kitchen equipment could you not live without?
Sharp knives

How many times a week/month do you cook from raw ingredients?
Technically, I'll cook from raw ingredients everyday in Culinary school. That technicality aside, I try to cook from raw food about 2-3 times a week to keep myself in practice.

What's the last thing you cooked from raw ingredients?
Orecchiette (Ear Pasta) with Grilled Chorizo (mngr special at Kroger) and grated cheese.

What's your favorite thing to make for yourself?
seafood, I like making shrimp dishes.

What meats have you eaten besides cow, pig, chicken and turkey?
Fish, Bison, Deer, Lamb, Alligator, Octopus, Eel, Elk/Caribou, Frog

What's the last time you ate something that had fallen on the floor?
Yesterday I think, I was desperate for McDonald's fries

What's the last time you ate something you'd picked in the wild?
This morning I ate an apple that someone ELSE picked in the wild, does that count??

Place the following cuisines in order of preference (greatest to least): (The list is Chinese, French, Sushi, Italian, Indian, Thai.)
Sushi, Thai, Chinese, Indian, French, Italian

Place the following boozes in order of preference (greatest to least): (The list is brandy, gin, rum, whiskey, tequila, vodka.)
Tequila, rum, vodka, brandy, whiskey, gin

Place the following flavors in order of preference (greatest to least): (The list is garlic, ginger, basil, lime, aniseed.)
Garlic, basil, lime, aniseed, ginger

Place the following fruits in order of preference (greatest to least): (The list is pineapple, watermelon, banana, apple, cherry, orange.)
Orange, Apple, Pineapple, Watermelon, Banana

Bread and spread:
Cinnamon Bread with light butter, or Dried Tomato bread with an herb butter

What's your fast food restaurant of choice, and what do you usually order?
McDonalds; Angus Bacon and Cheese or McNugget Meal

Wow. I didn't realize how long this meme was.

What are three of the best dining-out experiences you've had?
Spagio (any time I've been)
94th Aero Squadron (Winter 2003)
Hama (both solitary and group dining)

What's your choice of tipple at the end of a long day?
if you're talking tipple as an intransitive verb, I like to "tipple" red wine at the end of the day
if you're talking tipple as a noun, I prefer tea or cider as my evening "tipple"

Favorite cookbook/s?
The French Laundry Cookbook ~ by Thomas Keller
(though I feel I'm doing chefs everywhere a diservice by not also mentioning Escoffier)

Got any favorite food blogs?
http://sopressatta.blogspot.com
http://1bite7days.wordpress.com

What's the next thing you'll eat?
I have no idea, maybe some ravioli. We ARE going food shopping tonight however, and I have a strange urge to make Chili

Comprehensive Indecision '08

2008-10-23T17:14:00.004-04:00

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past few months, you are well aware that this is an election year. And, if you bother to cut through all the bullshit: the vitriolic ads, the Fey-driven satire, the Hustler/Palin porn, and the polarized blogosphere, you come to a really frightening conclusion. Despite three presidential and one Vice Presidential Debates, despite both candidates—most likely—stumping within an hour or less of your hometown, your mind is no more made up now than it was about 4-6 years into the Bush Administration (or even sooner if you're a diehard). If you liked Dubya then, you probably like McCain now; likewise, if you hated him then, you're probably putting your faith in Obama. If you're uneducated, you might even be debating over whether you want your president elect to die from a gunshot wound or from natural causes. Or, if you're like me, you're decidedly undecided about this whole process.

So take this post as a sort of stream of consciousness way for me to compare/contrast things, rebut things my peers have written (some of them quite laughable in their naivete) about both of the candidates. I, in addition, will try to refrain from editorializing this post, though, in some cases, it will be necessary for me to inject my own personal opinions. First, Senator Obama:

a peer relates her following issues with the Illinois candidate to me via email:
His middle name is Hussein:
my middle name is Taylor. Jason Taylor plays Professional Football. This must mean I can play professional football too. Sign me up!
His ideas have too much in common with socialism
I'll bet you 700 billion$ that capitalism could use some reform(s), hell...Alan Greenspan doesn't even believe wholeheartedly in the free-market style of economy anymore

Obama wants a relatively immediate troop withdrawl from Iraq
The mission has already "been accomplished," why do we need more troops in Iraq? In all seriousness though. McCain has stated that he is willing to keep troops in Iraq for 100 years if that's what it takes. Also, it's not like Obama is the first person to want a drawback. Bush himself called for a rollback of troops, saw violence in creasing exponentially, then called for a surge. My question to you is this? What exactly are we accomplishing in Iraq right now that couldn't be accomplished without us?

His support of abortion
ok, I'll concede that point

another peer, with whom I went to college has a picture stating the following on his Facebook page:
Obama: He says nothing better than anyone

on the contrary, a high school classmate writes in Barack's defense:
"god forbid john mccain gets elected and dies in office and that completely stupid arm candy he has for a running mate takes over. talk about trouble! and you thought bush was bad! here's the deal. believe what you want on your own time, but when it comes time to elect a leader, don't you want someone who has a greater grasp on the goings on of the world than you do? i know i couldn't run the country with the education i have, and neither could any of you. i believe in obama because he runs on calm, cool logic to make his decisions. if you don't like his policies, that's fine, but the sad truth is that most people probably don't even know what the differences in the policies are"

while another friend from Georgia write in her Xanga:
let's say McCain wins the presidency. John Paul Stevens' old tired ass is not going to be able to stick it out for another four years and he will be forced to retire, which means a Conservative justice will be appointed to the court. Even if McCain lives through his presidency, Palin, as Vice President, will still, presumably, have a good amount of input when it comes to determining who to appoint to the Court to take Stephens' place. If MCain does, God forbid, die while in office, President Palin gets to make this decision all on her own.

Sarah Palin is a strict believer in abstinence-only education. She also believes in no abortions, period, even in cases of rape and incest. I will not touch too much on the fact that Bristol Palin, her 17 year old daughter, is pregnant because Bristol's choices are hers and she is not the one running for Vice President so it's not too fair to attack her; however, it is definitely worth noting that the abstinence-only education that Palin favors, supports, and would no doubt attempt to enforce through legislation were she to rise to the level of either Vice President or President has failed miserably within the realm of her own home, and yet she expects it to work for our entire country.

Here is what I'm afraid of, what truly gave me a fluttery feeling in my stomach a minute ago when it all pieced together in my head and I really contemplated it: Sarah Palin in office, loading the Supreme Court with like-minded individuals who would help her try to strike down Roe v. Wade and related cases/legislation. Sarah Palin ascending to the presidency and, finding herself hopelessly out of her depths when it comes to most foreign and domestic issues, instead focusing her energies on getting abstinence-only education and intelligent design curriculum taught in schools and working with her pals on overturning abortion rulings. That scares me.

On the other hand, there are those who are so dedicated to McCain that they are willing to hand him the election with no pretense. One forum dweller goes so far as to write:
If anyone went through the torture John McCain did during wartime, I think we should just give him the presidency.

Another writes:
There are just some people in this country who aren't ready for a black president, and I'm taking that into consideration when casting my vote.

At this point, some of you are shaking your heads in disbelief, nodding your heads in agreement, or chuckling in bemusement. That being the case, let's look a little deeper. Here's what I know about Barack Obama:

He believes in…
Equal Pay for Equal Work, (regardless of gender or ethnicity)
Tax Breaks for Small Business owners,
Recruiting teachers from non-education backgrounds,
Communication with Global Leaders regardless of their standing with the U.S.

Relinquishing national power regarding gay-marriage, giving power to states

Secure border, but make illegal aliens pay fine, learn English and pass Citizenship test

A 16 month, phased withdrawl (1-2 brigades/month) from Iraq

In addition to these ideals, it's also well known that Obama has a seemingly endless amount of money with which to propagate his message. I dare say he could almost buy seven houses with all that money were he to have the desire. Among the things he has done with the dough are booking an entire channel on Dish Network to tell Americans about his plans. This channel is on 24/7 until November 4^th. Obama also took out a chunk of airtime pre Game 6 of the World Series. No, commercials for baseball don't cost as much as they do for something comparable like the Super Bowl, but I'm guessing they're not cheap. Where does Obama get all this money you may ask? Well, mostly from private donors, but his main contributors come in the form of the following people:

Goldman Sachs (investment banking) $422K
Ubs Ag (Global Finance) $297K
Lehman Brothers (Global Finance, filed for bankruptcy in 9/08) $251K
National Amusements Inc (media & Entertainment, not porn) $246K
JP Morgan Chase & Co (Global Finance) $244K
Harvard University (Higher Education) $172K
University of California (Higher Education) $143K
Google Inc. (Electronics; Google's CEO is also Obama's technical advisor) $153K

So there's a little bit about Mr. Obama. Let us turn our attention now to Mr. McCain. By doing some digging, here's what I know about the AZ Senator:

McCain:
thinks the War in Iraq should be fought to a "successful conclusion" (whatever that means)
Graduated 894^th out of 899^th in his Naval Academy Class.
Considered the senate's most outspoken critic against unnecessary spending

Is an advocate of free trade (and NAFTA)
Employs, as advisers , 2 individuals crucial to implementing the Iraq war "strategy"
Believes embryos should be afforded full human rights
Supports inclusion of Intelligent Design in schools
Opposes Gay Marriage and adoption by Gay Parents.
Supports Stem Cell research (as long as the embryos are not cloned)

and, for good measure, let's get to know a little about my own personal political standing(s). I was raised by two parents who, for the most part, didn't discuss politics to any great length. I am aware that my mother is Pro-Life, Pro-Education, and Anti-Gun. I also know that my father supports the Anti-Stupid/Lesser-Of-Two Evils Party on a regular basis but tends to straddle the fence and lean to the left at most times. Likewise, I consider myself to be a left-leaning moderate. This is not because, as a fellow student government member in college put it, "people are moderates because they are too chicken-shit to take a stand on any issues," but rather because I believe most political problems are caused by our current system being incredibly entrenched in small-mindedness and polar partisanship. Generally, I'm prone to believing the following:

* being a military leader doesn't mean you'd automatically be good at leading our country. Look, I appreciate our servicemen and women. I even have family and friends serving in the Marines, Army, National Guard, and Air Force. Nonetheless, I wouldn't want ANY of these people being Commander in Chief, wartime or not. I'm sure if you asked most of them, they would tell you that they don't think most of their commanding officers should be in charge of a country either. I particularly feel this way because of our current standing in the world. The army has an "I said it, now do it" attitude with things and this has permeated the American mindset (though not so much now as it did in 2003). We don't need a hawkish leader who sings "bomb bomb bomb Iran." We need a leader who listens as much as he talks.
* McCarthyism be damned, I don't believe that Capitalism and Democracy are the be-all, end-all answers that the United States of America makes them out to be. Capitalism, just like Communism and Socialism, has its faults. Personally, I chuckle at people who claim that a free market economy is the best-thing-ever. Well, a free market is dependent on both the buyer and seller engaging in proprietary business practices. I also don't feel one can argue the advantageousness of Supply/Demand at this point. Demand is down, but prices aren't going down accordingly. This is what we call "getting bitch slapped by the proverbial 'Invisible Hand' "

* I abhor.. ABHOR.. the patriot act. I can't disagree more with the sentiment of "if you're not doing anything wrong, you don't have anything to worry about." My retort to that being, "if I'm not doing anything wrong, why do they need to watch me;" the thought here being that I have the potential to do evil, anti-American things at any point. Well, technically, any of the 305 million people in America are capable of doing something deemed "Un-American." I mean, certain parts of the country approved by Sarah Palin are less likely to do that, but still… they have potential. In essence, I simply think that it's quite hypocritical for a government to require complete and total disclosure of any and all information under the guise of "it's for your own protection" when they aren't willing to disclose a large majority of what they do lest it fall into the "wrong hands." Please, like governmental hands are the safest and most efficient hands out there? Give me a break.
* I'm also FOR gay marriage. Yes yes, Leviticus and all that bullshit give fuel to the Religious Right and give them a reason to say "God dislikes gays!!," despite the fact that virtually any strict constructionist with a talent for empty rhetoric can use scripture to his/her own bidding. Even in the antebellum age of the 1850-1860s, a large majority of the religious world was using Genesis 9:25-27 to justify how God tolerated slavery because of Noah's curse on Ham and Canaan. I think it's funny that when you ask many self-proclaimed righteous people if they would tolerate segregation and separate drinking fountains, bus seats, or restaurants, they give you an incredulous "of course not," though, when asked about gay rights, they are incredibly willing to start drafting Jim Crow laws all over; the Homo-Crow laws if you will. Opponents of gay marriage argue that it will ruin the sanctity of marriage. Well, the divorce rate's at about 50 percent right now, I think the sanctity of marriage is pretty bad with the hetero crowd too. Furthermore, the gays I know (which is quite a few, I did work for a non profit) are much more likely to be in a monogamous relationship than many of the heterosexual people I know.

This is not to say, however that I don't have my own share of "Elephantine" opinions.
* I am pro-life (except in cases if rape). Yes, this is minimally influenced by my mother's stance on the issue, but more so with the fact that I've held babies in my hands who have been the victims of things like crack, smoking, and FAS and it's a horrible feeling to know that someone can do that to a child. Hypocritical as it may sound given things I've done in my past, I really believe that in any sexual encounter you go into it KNOWING there is a chance, even an infinitesimally small one, that a baby could be a result; using a condom is basically just playing Russian roulette with a cap gun… if you put it up to your head and fire, it's still going to hurt. My views can be summed up like this: if you don't want anything coming OUT of your vagina, don't put anything IN your vagina. There are lots of other ways to be a feminist aside from killing something: protest for equal pay, don't shave your legs or armpits, do whatever… but I think your ability to be a woman starts and ends with your responsibility for yourself , and if you can't be responsible enough to weight the risks of your actions, then you need to deal with the consequences.
* I also think America needs to get tougher on Immigration and making English the National Language. This is not to say I'm a racist. Foreigners have a very distinct place in the amalgam that is America. However, I don't believe that we need illegal aliens here in America. Some political candidates would have you believe that these people are an integral part of America because they do the jobs that "normal" Americans don't want to. Let me tell you this then; in the 2 months in which I was unemployed after quitting the science museum, Temp Agencies I visited were flooded with people willing to work 60-80 hours a week for 8$/hr just to pay the bills. Somewhere out there, there is an American willing to do almost any job for almost any wage to feed his/her family. Politicians simply aren't willing to look hard enough because of the incredible amount of aliens already in America working. Likewise, it right pisses me off that I have to press a button for English or print a sign in 2 languages. This is American, speak English. Other countries have adopted national languages (even 2 -4 in some cases) without a large national outcry. I'm not heartless here, feel free to speak Chinese or Spanish in your own homes as a way of preserving the culture of your homeland, but when you come into this country you do so knowing that the vast majority (though, yes, it is shrinking) speaks English. You, as a simple common courtesy, should be able to construct a basic sentence in English. Subject-Verb-Object… it's not that hard. Knowing English might even help get you a job that doesn't involve picking produce or operating a deep fryer.

Taking all this into account, I'm not really sure who to vote for. Admittedly, I'm leaning toward Obama. But I feel that I'm NOT voting for McCain rather than voting FOR McCain. I really wish there was a way to vote with a -1 for a candidate instead of a +1. (yes, yes, some of you will argue that an Obama vote is like a -1 vote for McCain… but it's really not) . I don't necessarily believe that McCain brings with him another 4 years of Bush-like economics, but I certainly don't think McCain gives a rat's ass about the middle class. It also worries me that his pro-war stance will thin our troops out to an almost unsustainable level while his unwillingness to cut governmental spending will lead to an even bigger recession. This is not to say that I'm a banner waving Obama supporter either. I do think that lots of people are jumping on the bandwagon because Obama can do something we're not used to after 8 years: speak eloquently. Obama is a politician, no matter how much he makes us try to forget that. He changes his mind about issues (off shore drilling), refuses to take a stance of issues (gay marriage), opposes some of my own personal views on things, and relies on cliché keywords just as much as the next candidate. All that aside, I somehow think that he won't fuck up the country quite as much as his opponent, but I'm not really sure if that's reason enough to pull a lever in his favor quite yet

How to Spot Annoying Supports of McCain and Obama

2008-10-19T22:28:00.001-04:00

How To Spot Annoying McCain And Obama Supporters

As the election draws closer, it seems that we’re getting bombarded by people who are devoted supporters of both parties. Here are some helpful ways that you can spot annoying McCain supporters and annoying Obama supporters so you can steer clear of them before they corner you with health care statistics.

ANNOYING OBAMA SUPPORTERS

ANNOYING McCAIN SUPPORTERS

The one in which our hero gets a job

2008-10-05T14:13:00.002-04:00

I recently finished reading "How to Lose Friends and Alienate people," a book I started while lounging around the Easton Barnes & Noble waiting for Rori to get done with a business meeting. And, it was a decent book and I have no doubt it will make more a better than average movie (hello Megan Fox!) it dawned on me that things like this are so popular because, well... pretty much anyone with an opinion and a job (which is harder than ones would think) can write about their job. The only real trick to selling millions of copies about one's job is to work at a place that people speculate about.

Sadly, that bastard Upton Sinclair beat me to writing about Factory Workers... so there goes my idea for quick money. Nonetheless, I will inform everyone of the good news that I do in fact have a job with Yankee Candle where I basically put shit in boxes as fast as I can for 10 hours a day. Even in this grueling hellhole though (which, admittedly, does provide me a decent amt. of $$) there are people to be made fun of --as one might imagine. Take the following characters for example:

Benson - so named because he looks like the TV character of the same name:

Basically, Benson is my cube-mate. At first, I thought Benson was a nice guy, what with his habit of overpronouncing every word he says. But now, now Benson is just starting to piss me off. Recently we got our quota of how many items we were shipping per hour (quota is 130, or a little over 2 per minute). I got my results from the fairly nice super and was at 174 (top packers average over 200), and was pretty pleased with myself. Benson gets his results and he's at an abyssmal 77 units per hour. of course, this lack of speed cannot possibly be his fault, so for the rest of the day he's continually bitching about how the people who put the items on our shelves are mis-picking his shit and how THAT is the reason for his poor performance. He even gets vindictive enough to snidely comment on my mispicked rack "not gonna be at 174 for long like THAT." Normally, I would have made some black guy joke back to him, but I like having a job, so I decided to get even.

At the end of the day, well.. the end of the day for the African-Americans anyway since they don't believe in Direct Deposit and had to leave 2 hours before we met quota to get to the bank. Benson hands me his sheet and says, "I have to go..my girl is pickin me up soon" (this despite the fact that he had no intention of leaving early until another African American mentioned leaving early to him.) So I feigned a smile, took his sheet, and said "yeah, no problem"... at which point I made sure to go as slow as humanly possible, completing the rest of his measly 78 unit assignment in roughly 2 hours, dropping his unit/hr rate to something around 38. I'm hoping this gets him fired so I don't have to hear him bitch about stupid shit anymore.

In addition to Benson, there are TONS of other characters including, but not limited to:

Tracey Morgan -- the disheveled looking guy who always tries to crack jokes about the names of the Yankee Candle scents

DMX - the African-American ex-marine who wears black sweatpants and a Malcolm X t-shirt to work every day. I'd feel somewhat threatened working next to him, but the guy puts up as many units/hr as I do and busts his ass from open to close. That, and I think he might have a nam flashback at any moment.

Sarah Palin - The twenty something future trophy wife who works in the Limited section of the building. S.P comes in all done up (hair, make-up, etc) and, come 4:30pm will start walking around the warehouse hitting male workers on the head and saying, I want a foot massage goddamit!! Who wants to give me a foot massage!!

so there's that... but hey... it's worth the $$ right??

A call to arms (er, legs, er... genitals)

2008-09-17T08:48:00.003-04:00

THRIFT STORE UNDERWEAR ON ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST!!

Many of you might not know, but the name "Thrift Store Underwear" is somewhat of a hybridization (as most things are nowadays.) It came about though two conversations entailing what I would name my autobiography and then a later discussion about what the grossest thing imaginable* would be.

However, in perusing my sidebar today after breakfast, I see THIS story on the consumerist.

Yes, dear readers, it seems that Thrift Stores around the country are running out of stock to sell poor people/emo rockers; presumably, this includes used underwear!! And if there's no thrift store underwear general, there's no Thrift Store Underwear blog! And I'm not ready to deal with that grim reality yet!

Therefore, this post is a call to arms/legs/genitals for everyone out there to donate their used and ugly clothes to their local Goodwill or Volunteers of America Thrift Store...

OR ELSE!!!...

Well... shit

2008-09-13T13:03:00.004-04:00

Current Location -- Ne'rk, Uh-hi-uh
Currently Listening to -- Detektivbryan

From a very young age, I've grown up around the wee ones: Mom has been a teacher for 30+ years in myriad roles in Pickaway County, moving from MRDD to Early Intervention, and finally settling in as a preschool teacher in the Teays Valley School District. It should also be mentioned that my girlfriend worked with me at "my former place of employment" for about 2 years before accepting a position as the Education director for another museum in Ne'rk.

Now, one of the great things about working with kids is not their smiles or their endless inquiries (god no, endless inquiry gets really old after a while)...no, the best part about working with kids is that you're obviously much more intelligent with them and can mock them and tell stories to all your friends when they do something stupid. The following, is one such story, as told to Rori and I by Nathan R., art person at her museum.

Nathan is upstairs, presumably in his cubicle flirting with someone other than his fiance, entertaining the laughter and giggles of two small children (we'll call them Damien and Jezebel, because that seems fair). Despite this very museum being a great educational venue for the community, it is also the employer and networking hub for a lot of Desperate Housewives (read: Homemakers from Granville with no parenting skills whatsoever).

Sporadically, as I would assume, Nathan would go check in on Damien and Jezebel to see what they were doing and to make sure that they were not dead (in which case he would take the blame). For the first few times he check, it seemed the children were playing an innocuous game of hide and seek in the kitchen and meeting room, with Damien--age 4 approximately--hiding under the sink. Seeing that the children were not raping small animals or causing him any immediate problems, Nathan popped his collar and went back to misspelling things for the Hats Off program.

Things were going peachy keen until Jezebel came in to get Nathan, informing him that she had found something on the floor. In checking what it was, Nathan followed the trail like Theseus and the minotaur, carefully following what he thought to be unwrapped mini bars of chocolate until he happened upon a "piece of chocolate with corn in it. The following conversation ensued:

Damien : I don't know what it is
Jezebel <whispering>: I think it's poop.

Sure enough, Damien had shit himself and the excrement had subsequently decided to join in the game of hide and seek (though not very successfully). True to form, Nathan wasn't too eager to clean this up and thus called up the biggest slacker janitor on the planet in for a little Doodie Duty. Again, a humorous conversation ensued:
Porn Watching Janitor: They're your friends, you should have to clean it up.

The story gets a little muddled from this point, but I can only imagine a heated discussion ensued at this point about how nathan was none too eager to get feces (corn included), no matter how small, on his Ralph Lauren shoes and flat-front overpriced khakis. It was also assumed that the shit got cleaned up SOMEHOW. Upon conclusion of the story, we all had a hearty chuckle and went about playing with giant magnetic poetry (again, another perk of being around Children), at which point, the following sentence was created.

Other fun with magnetic poetry and a walk to McDonalds also produced these gems:

Alligator Cupcakes and Fatties in Canoes

2008-09-11T17:43:00.003-04:00

As promised, here is the cupcake/alligator cake from Rori's Volunteer Picnic:

And a picture of some of her vols (and family) out on the lake. It also provides a nice reminder as to why it's important to balance the weight distribution in a canoe...

Random Thoughts about Random Things

2008-09-09T13:54:00.005-04:00

#1) When Dr. Pepper announces that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper a lot of people "ooh' and 'aah' about this, like it's some wondrous epiphany. If you stop to think about this though, it's not really that great; I mean, consider these following things...
- Dr. Pepper is apparently a VERY complicated formula involving TWENTY-THREE different flavors (none of which I'm assuming include peppers) and the people who make it already have the recipe. Giving them an obvious advantage and head start
- Who else is trying to taste more like regular Dr. Pepper aside from Diet Dr. Pepper? I mean there's the Sam's Club "Dr. Thunder, " but aside from a better name and cheaper cost.. Dr. Thunder really has nothing on Dr. Pepper. Do keep in mind though that the only Dr. Pepper I know was a frat-guy wannabe douchebag. And while I don't know any Dr. Thunders, it just sounds like a sports nickname, and sports guys obviously know their shit about drinks. I mean they endorse the crap out of them.
- Finally, if Dr. Pepper has to announce that Diet Dr. Pepper now tastes more like Regular Dr. Pepper, this would suggest to me that at one point in time they tried to make it taste more like regular Dr. Pepper. and failed. Certianly, they can't let this information out.. Because America doesn't like losers.. we like winners, just ask Michael Phelps
*Additional Tidbit = I think that, in a marketing ploy, Dr. Pepper is just taking a random three flavors from their formula, putting them together and mass producing them hoping some poor sucker will drink it en masse. Doing the math, you get 23! (23 x 22 x 21 x20 etc, etc) equals a whopping
2.58520167 × 10²²

now divide that by 3 and you get: 8.6 sextillion combinations.
Putting this into perspective, if they would release 1 new flavor a day, they would still be able to continue the brand for roughly 23.6 quinttillion more years, assuming of course that some of the more obscure combinations (like "New Chocolate Flavored Dead Baby, with a Hint of Puppy Entrail!!) don't flop as badly as Red Fusion.

#2.) Jesus, is EVERY fucking administrative person at my former place of employment getting a Facebook account? First, they goaded CEO Cheeseberger into writing a contrived blog where he lauds the "changes" (read: we're just fucking things around and hoping the mass populace doesn't notice that we really haven't done anything of substance) the museum's making and toots his own horn about how he used to be a collegiate athlete (not that impressive, I was a collegiate athlete... and look at me now!!) and how he was a Beta Tester for Apple [(*twirl finger in air) I was a Beta Tester for Microsoft, Gmail, and Bungie's Halo 3. It's not that great, all you have to do is have some friends who know the right people.] The most recent sing-up is the Museum's fucking RAT MASCOT!! Jesus, how desperate are they to make contact with young people that they put their GD mascot on a Social Networking site?! I'm assuming that Ratio is just an alter ego for newly appointed "God of the Floor Team" S---e W---t , due to Ratio's favorite books being Turtle and the universe... a book publishe by W---t, but pretty much just a plagiarized version of one of many Hinduist creation stories. Apparently, Mr. W---t is good at stealing ideas from all over the place, but that's a story for another time entirely.

#3.) If a place is considered the largest minature golf course on earth, can it still be considered miniature?

#4.) Of all the Hollywood monsters out there, I think Frankenstein has the best girlfriend. I mean, she can kiss his neck and suck his nuts at the same time. *canned rimshot*

#5.) After finally realizing the utter awesomeness of one K.T. Ett (www.unapologeticallymundane.com), I am going to try to start labeling my entries in a far more concise and specific way. this is only due to the fact that I have finally realized how many posts and labels it would take to include every word in the English Language for now.

#6.) Harvard scientist have recently taken the first steps in creating artificial life. In recent news, John McCain has appointed the new organism to a cabinet position

I've tried Counting sheep, and I've talked to the Shepherd

2008-09-02T12:22:00.003-04:00

For the past 8 or so years, sleep and I have had a tempestuous relationship at best. While attending college at Capital (*cough waste of time and money cough*), I could have been diagnosed as an insomniac; my friend Tillie and I would wake up around 8 or 9, go to classes, then come back, do homework and play Old school 8-bit classics (Yoshi's Cookie and Kirby's Avalanche anyone) until about 4am. Subsequently we would go to White Castle or Taco Bell, get the worst food possible, and proceed to stay up another 2 hours. Lather, Rinse, repeat for 2 years and your body almost gets used to the pounding.

After graduation, I moved into a small apartment on Town Street that was good for the low rent and location (walking distance to the Metro Library), but was not really good for the sleeping habits of yours truly due to interspersed gunshots and cries of "Noooooo" every few weekends.

Even a move to Atlanta didn't really do much for my sleep habits, and the relationship I endured there taught me how to sleep on 10% of a bed or in a fetal position most of the time. While at home in Circleville, I had a futon purchased from Waterbeds & Stuff. Laugh if you want, but it was their high end model with 7" of padding and no springs. Pretty damn comfortable in truth but still not enough to allow for a real good night's sleep. Even the house in which I currently live has some palatial sleep offerings including a queen size bed with more than enough roomfor 2 people. However, I still can't get a decent 7-8 hours of sleep.

This has not always been the case though. When I was younger, I could sleep through pretty much anything. My mother even claims that she was once able to lift up a bed in which I was sleeping and vacuum under it. The first bed I ever slept in was a small twin that was pushed up against the wall in a room no bigger than, I would guesstimate, 10x1o' . As I turned 12, we moved into a new house amidst my parent's divorce and I was given their bed due to mom's purchase of a queen sized bed (one of the few splurges I think my mother has ever made in her life). This Full size bed was the most comfortable thing in the world, but due to monetary limitations, we had to leave it right next to the dumpster when I moved out of the aforementioned Town Street apartment in preparation for the Atlanta move (yet another reason to hate the Atlanta part of my life).

I've never really found another bed as comfortable as that. Maybe it's a pschosis type thing, but at least this neurosis didn't stop there. I've also learned that, aside from being able to sleep well only in Full sized beds, I also require the following for a "decent" night's sleep:
*I can't have more than 7 hours of sleep. Anything more than 7 and I feel groggy the next morning, as if I have a sleep hangover.
*The room in which I sleep has to be Frigid. Like... below 70. Aside from cost cutting, I never really understand why people keep their thermostat at 75 and higher. Room temperature is 68degrees F. You can look it up. Another weird qurk of mine I guess.
*I have to have an abundance of pillows stacked one over the other, like a mountain of goose down
* Also have to have the ability to sprawl out and not be touched. Tactile sheets will just ruin my sleep; Fleece, etc. - no go.

Which basically means the following:
I am FUCKED if I ever try to sleep in the same bed as another breathing human being who is not a heavy sleeping midget.

A Spackel-tastic weekend

2008-08-26T10:00:00.008-04:00

How was my weekend you ask:

well, in a word, it was "Spackle-tastic"

(read: Rori and I domesticated ourselves)

We spackled (sp?) the garage ceiling in preparation for painting and shelve put-upping

and I organized the pantry in a fit of OCD goodness (read: extreme ennui)

and, ya know... what post would be complete without a picture of food? We also scrounged around and made Crazy Fajitas (the crazy part coming via our thoughts of "what the hell else can we put in these?")

Not a very clear picture, but the recipe involved:
Fried Couscous with peppers mixed in (we still have like 8lbs of peppers left over from the cookout)
Chicken marinated in Mexican spices (read: Taco Bell seasoning)
3-cheese blend

If nothing else, I'm a pretty resourceful fat kid :-P

The return of "Internal Dialogue Man" (and other misanthropes)

2008-08-20T13:52:00.005-04:00

When I was at my "former place of employment", I gradually learned that the only way to get by was to either flash a shit eating grin or bend over and take it. This, coupled with the ubiquitous summer of super hero movies, lead me to create my own badass... an alterego I called "Internal Dialogue Man"

Behold:

Yes folks, wherever there's a Volunteer Coordinator trying to impose his will on non-Volunteers Internal Dialogue Man will be there. Wherever there's a profoundly retarded friend masquerading as a normally functioning adult, Internal Dialogue Man will be there. And... wherever there's an ugly baby whose parents STILL enter it in pageants, Internal Dialogue Man will certainly be there.

And oh, was he in full effect this weekend as Rori's family and I went to the Columbus Zoo

with a friend of her's. Rori also explained that it was good for this friend to go with us because she needed to see "functional relationships" (woohoo, we've been upgraded to 'functional') Now, I do have to take into account that this friend comes from a relatively low income background and thus hasn't had the opportunity to do pretty much anything outside the N'erk area, but she was still asking questions that just made I.D. Man use all of his powers. My personal favorites were the following:

Friend : "That looks like a cross between a horse and a donkey"
Internal Dialogue Man: okay, the combination of a horse and a donkey is a MULE. Pretty sure the sign didn't say MULE on it. Secondly, mules are relatively prevalent in this area (Slate Run Farm, Louisville, etc) so why the fuck would the Columbus Zoo have them on Display?

Friend: Look at the Monkeys?
Rori: Actually those are Apes. Monkeys have tails and Apes don't. That's an easy way to tell the difference
Friend (upon seeing the Gibbons, who have no tails): OOH, look at the monkeys
Rori: --*shakes head and turns red faced*

(asked numerous times during the day:) Friend: Are those animals alive?
IDM: no dumbass, the zoo puts nothing but dead animals in their cages. Yeesh

and, the one that takes the cake

we walk up to a giant sign that says "FOX FACED BATS" on it. Basically, the animal looks like this:

and the friend goes,
"Look at that animal, it's got the face of a dog.. or a wolf ...or something"
I.D. Man*ahem*.. OR A FOX! You illiterate fuck, it says what it looks like RIGHT THERE... ON THE SIGN, TWO FEET IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!!!

And you'd think after we got home that Internal Dialogue Man's job would be done, but oh no, certianly not! Because idiocy never stops:
--There's the sign near the 37/70 split advertising virgins for 100$
--There's parent magazine naming my former place of employment the #1 Family Museum in the Country
--There's even the friend on facebook who put up EIGHT f**king albums from her wedding. Like anyone cares enough to look at FIVE HUNDRED and FORTY pictures from your wedding. You know what you call people who want to see 540 pictures of your wedding? Relatives... that's what. And I'm pretty sure their asses were invited. Here's an idea Buy an album, put the pictures in there, and force them upon anyone who comes to visit you.

Grabasstic B-days, Housesitting, and Horse Shit (literally)

2008-08-12T18:15:00.006-04:00

This weekend we held a birthday party for an ex-coworker who is turning 29 for the 4th consecutive year. Generally, I enjoy this particular person: he's genuinely nice, he'll go out of his way to help you in a crisis, and he wouldn't hurt a fly. He, however, has no semblance of intelligence whatsoever and has about as much game as the 1898 Cleveland Spiders; this is generally the reason that I have no problem with him hanging out with Rori at any given point in time. However, some things happened at his party that don't exactly put him on the best of terms with me at the present time:
#1.) If we buy you a present, don't bitch about it in front of us...even jokingly.
#2.) If you know that a girl is wearing underwear, short shorts, and TWO pairs of tights under her costume..at some point in the evening you should probably stop trying to take pictures up her dress. Furthermore, when the guy you figured out is probably her boyfriend transfers the pics on your camera to his laptop, you shouldn't comment with "did you delete that one picture" as soon as he gets back.
#3.) It's entirely possible for people to sleep in the same room, even the same bed, without something happening.
#4.) Don't be a mopey douchebag who doles out the silent treatment the next morning just because you're too much of a tard to know that people have been "technically" dating since about February.

His best friend was even worse, going so far as to grab the ass of my "not-defined-as-a-girlfriend-but-might-as-well-be" who, admittedly, looked pretty rockin' in her late-70's punk rocker outfit. I'm not really one to get jealous--unless of course the guy has a bigger dick, is better looking, or is more intelligent--but none of those are the case here so I'm not too worried. I'll just leave it at the fact that I'm not their biggest fan, and I'm certianly not going to go out of my way to make them feel liked or welcomed in my presence.

Aside from that, I've just spent most of the past week hanging out in N'erk again. Friday was spent grilling out and playing Wii Bowling with Rori's little from the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program (her little is so appreciative and fascinated by the smallest things that it's a fun experience when she's over). Saturday was the party, which was good aside from the aforementioned interactions... tolerable people from the old job stopped by and I actually managed to win a game of Apples to Apples. Sunday broght with it a nice rise & Shine breakfast at Bob Evan's with Rori's family and then we jettisoned ourselves to the Muskingum County fair where Rori's father was the Big Man on Campus. Sunday Night culminated with a rousing--and I use that term lightly-concert by Phil Dirt and the Dozers.

Finally, I'm occupying the rest of my time by housesitting for Rori; and in week that I am here, I am gradually moving things in (a fact that has Rori somewhat freaking out since she's just as committment phobic as I am) and taking breaks every few hours to play some xbox and drink some Coca-Cola with Sour Apple pucker (in a tribute to the now defunct Manzana Lift I first had in Tijuana). Anyway, here are some pictures from the party:

A Weekend in N'erk

2008-08-05T22:59:00.010-04:00

Ah, another relaxing weekend spent in Newark (or Nerk as the locals call it). While I didn't get to spend much time with my host, it was still nice to get away from home and Circleville. It's just weird sometimes, still being in the same city in which you grew up. People here seem to remember you as you were portrayed in High School. No one sees me as an intellectual, just simply as "He dated my daughter" or "that's the womanizing two-sport athlete." Sure, it helps to tell yourself that all the people who remember you are no better because they're stuck in the same town,.. but you need to escape once in awhile. I'm sure everyone can relate to that.

In my abbreviated sabbatical, I occupied myself with a number of things. Most notably, I grilled out and made some "nom nom". Pictured below are small steaks covered with A1 and plated on couscous with a side of green beans and sliced potatoes dipped in beer and glazed with brown sugar. Let it be known that, when all is said and done, I'm actually a pretty good cook. Let it also be known that the Tiger Bowls are Rori's, not mine.

Rori has also gotten some fun new technology that I had the opportunity to play with, including her new Iphone 3g:
and the recent exercise game for Nintendo's next-gen console: Wii Fit, which includes Yoga, Aerobics, Balance Training and Strength Exercises. Now, after first weighing in and being told that my BMI was on the obese/overweight border (a claim that lead me to flip off the anthropomorphized Wii Fit Board), I tried my hand--or my feet rather--at a few games and found that I am far better at balance and Yoga than I am at Strength training. Seriously, who the hell though 10 reps of push-ups into Plank position was a good idea? Rori and I also have a healthy competition going to see who can hula hoop better. At the present time, she is better at one-direction hula hooping but I still have 1st place in Super Hula (which requires the user to swivel hips in BOTH directions); that's right ladies.. hips swiveling... in BOTH directions [and I'm sure if Rori is reading this right now I'm getting both a giant eye roll and a phone call in the next few seconds :-P].

The star of Wii Fit though, is the soccer game in which the weight you put on the L or R foot affects the placement of your avatar's head. From here you try to hit soccer balls. Sounds easy.. and it is, sorta, until the little bastard Wiis start kicking cleats and decapitated Pandas (subtle, Pre-Olympics political statement ? I'll let you decide). If you're good, you can get a perfect score of 555pts, If you suck.. then you can get 34pts and post it up on your personal blog... like I'm about to do: In my defense though, it's pretty freaking difficult to try and keep the screen centered while you're swaying to and fro.

no worries though, I consoled (no pun intended) myself by beating the shit out of Michigan on a nice HDTV :-D

More fun than actually WATCHING the Olympics

2008-08-01T15:54:00.005-04:00

Here come the Olympics, when we are reminded of the unquenchable spirit of the athlete, the true fellowship of nations through sport—and the Spam-brained quality of most national anthems.

It's so sad when bad anthems happen to good countries. America, for one. Ours goes up and down so many octaves only certain German shepherds can hear all of it. Still, I've been not watching the Olympics for MANY a year, and I stil contend that our anthem doesn't come close to these:

Andorra. I look forward with great zeal to the day when a 350-pound Andorran shot-putter with phone booths for arms stands on the podium and sings: "I was born a princess, a maiden!" Hey, with today's medical breakthroughs, it's possible.

Ukraine. I love it because it asks so little. The first line: "Ukraine has not perished." I call that managing national expectations: "We're not dead, okay? Give us that."

Thailand. This anthem is played each day at 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. It declares, "Every inch of Thailand belongs to the Thais." Perhaps, but I bet Trump has a stake in some real estate there.

Syria. Someone must have written this one in a hurry, or bought it at a discount anthem store, because it contains this verse: "A land resplendent with brilliant suns, becoming another sky, or almost a sky." I would've loved to be inside the mind of the guy who wrote that. Let's see. We have so many suns it's like a whole 'nother sky. No, wait. Nobody's going to believe that. I'll just add, "or almost a sky." Hell, what do they expect for $9.95?

Algeria. "We have taken the noise of gunpowder as our rhythm and the sound of machine guns as our melody." This is why no one invites your band anywhere.

Sweden. Here is a national anthem that has almost nothing to do with the country it honors. It's mostly about the Nordic way of life. Swedes are like that. Once, in High school, I asked a foreign exchange student staying with my best friend J.D. what it meant. "Ze Song?" he said. "We simply chant: 'We are from Sweden, we have come a long way, and we are drunk!'"

China. The Chinese change their national anthem about every other Tuesday, but the latest, approved in 2004, talks about putting up a "new Great Wall!" If I'm Chinese, and I'm looking at the 4,500-mile one that took 19 centuries to build, I'm thinking, Look, we'll do a Good Wall, but Great? F**k that.

Australia. Aussies cannot quite decide between the stodgy, government-approved "Advance Australia Fair" or the one they really like, the folk song "Waltzing Matilda," the country's official anthem at the 1976 Montreal Olympics. It'd be like our dumping "The Star-Spangled Banner" for "Old McDonald." "Waltzing Matilda" is all about a swagman who sits under a coolibah watching his billy, then drowns himself in a billabong to avoid a squatter. And who doesn't love a story like that, provided they understand what's going on?

Russia. Another country that has gone through more national anthems than Amy Winehouse has rehabs. The latest, adopted in 2000 by order of then-president Vladimir Putin, goes like this: "Russia, our homeland, most beautiful of all nations, sing it loud or you'll farm icicles in Siberia rest of days." (Okay, I made that up.)

Mexico. Legend has it, this one was written by a poet whose fiancée locked him in a room of her parents' house and wouldn't let him out until all 10 verses were done. If ever there were a guy who needed to throw in a few "or almost a sky" lines, it was him.

Greece and Cyprus have the same anthem, which goes for 158 verses. Olympic officials dread Greeks or Cypriots winning gold. Last time it happened, three trombone players were hospitalized.

The national anthem of Spain is easy to learn. It contains no words. Don't you wish the same could be said of Imus?

And here's a cool fact: Afghanistan's anthem was banned during the reign of the Taliban. Now it's back.

Along the way, of course, we will also admire great anthems. Hate to admit it, but France's "La Marseillaise" is very good. Remember how it drowned out the Nazis in Casablanca? Then again, these are the people who decided snails were lunch.

The best, though, is Great Britain's "God Save the Queen." For catchiness it ranks only slightly behind "It's a Small World (After All)." Maybe this is why countries like Germany, Switzerland and Liechtenstein have ripped off the tune over the years, changing nothing but the lyrics. Nobody's owed any royalties, though, because to this day no one is really sure who wrote it.

They have WHAT in Circleville?

2008-08-01T08:47:00.005-04:00

Apparently, my rural utopia has a UFO watchers club. Now, I may have missed the GIANT RAT used for protest in Chillicothe, but there's no way I can let these people get by with such craziness without trying to capture it on Video/Digital Film.

*Clicking on Picture takes you to UFO club's website*

Fat Kids and Cake rejoice

2008-07-31T12:17:00.006-04:00

Adding to the exponentially growing list of things I like (which is ALMOST as big as the list of things I DON'T like), let's talk about food:

With the boom of the food network:

and online pages from friends like Sopressata and 1Bite/7 Days
it's easy to have an unhealthy obsession with food.

I'm going to be trying something different though. In the age of Facebook and Twitter and P2P sites, why not have something we all can share? Thus, I'm trying to get RECIDEX off the ground.

Basically, Recidex is an email address hosted by Gmail where you can send recipes for all things culinary. I figure once we get upwards of about 250-300 recipes, I can give everyone who would like it the password. They can then pass this onto their friends and we can get the # of recipes to grow like wildfire. Sure, it kinda goes off the honor system, and YES.. one bad apple (pardon the pun) could ruin everything. But I'm going to give you guys the benefit of the doubt; this is for you, and--resemblance to communism aside--it's going to be as good as we make it.

So go ahead, send away.. or leave a comment with your name ad email address and I'll send you a notice when we get things up and running.

and yes, Ms. Ett... there will be Lactose-free recipes.

coming soon to Michigan's Playbook...

2008-07-24T16:33:00.004-04:00

As many of you may know by now, I enjoy a great number of sports.. I also enjoy computers. I also like innovative things...

ok, ok, so I like a lot of things; call it a benefit of being indecisive. Nonetheless, I've stumbled across another sports breakthrough that is sure to make the programmers at EASports defecate in their knickers (see, for example: Ambidextrous Pitcher).

It turns out that a little high school in Piedmont, CA has come up with an offense that allows ALL ELEVEN players to be eligible to catch the ball. Granted, current rules state that only 5 players are allowed to be eligible to catch the ball on any given play and seven players have to line up at scrimmage, but this still--technically--allows for an almost infinite amount of formations. According to Rival's.com, here's how this all goes down:
"The base offense is one in which a center and two tight ends surround the football, three receivers are split right, three more split left and two quarterbacks stand behind in a shotgun, one of whom has to be at least 7 yards behind the line of scrimmage."

In my opinion, this is just BEGGING to be exploited on some level (cough *Rich Rodriguez* cough *Urban Meyer* cough). I can just see it now on the Xbox..

A: Hit LB!!
B: Shit, he's covered
A: Whaa?! Up, Down, A, B, Select, and Start were wide open man!
B: The Contra Code was an eligible receiver?

Essentially, you'd need the Atari Jaguar Controller to run your offense:

and for those of you looking for a video, It can be found HERE

Test-Tube babies?! Next thing you know GAYS will be able to MARRY!!

2008-07-23T12:56:00.004-04:00

I can't find anything about unnatural Birth in The Good Book, (and I'll leave that up to anyone from the Creation museum who happens to stumble across my page), but I'm pretty sure obese and gap-toothed isn't really what Pat Steptoe had in mind when he made the gynecological breakthrough 30-years ago. Friends, THIS is why God invented natural penis-to-vagina sex.

Louise Brown [ in the gaudy neon and floral/paisley] just doesn't do it for me. No, this isn't to say that all couples who can't have children shouldn't look into alternative methods.. but for God's sake can we have some kind of selective breeding program? Something, anything, that might prevent Alan Greenspan from mating with a Barbara Bush look-alike. Shit, even their grandson looks like he's gonna turn out to be the next Chuck Lidell

Joie de Vivre (and other French terms for "I have no job")

2008-07-22T10:08:00.007-04:00

if you scroll down a few posts, you will inevitably be struck with a riveting (read: slightly embellished) story about how my former employer has horribly misplaced priorities which led me to quit in a blaze of glory over an incident concerning pants.

it's been approximately 2 weeks since I quit, and, to answer your question quite succinctly, no... I haven't found a job yet. This, however, is not to say that I haven't been having my fair share of the fun pie (which is not to be confused with similar imaginary eats such as "furburgers" or "clever flakes")

In the past few weeks, I have:
1.) gone to a Cincinnati Reds game, watched them lose, and subsequently became a lobster
2.) Not gone to Hocking Hills
2b.) Tried to go to Slate Run Farm instead. Drove there on a Monday, the ONLY day they are closed.
3.) Become one with our newest family member, a Coleman 2000 Grill
4.) Posted jobs on Monster.com, Careerbuilder.com, applied to about 3 kajillion places.. all of which laugh at my fledgling experience (most of which deals with education/non-profit) and then proceed to use my cover letter(s) as 1-ply ass solvent. Seriously, how much f**king experience does it take to sell something or file some paperwork? I don't really understand that.
5.) Played about 800 games of Culdcept Saga and NCAA Football 09 on my Xbox360
6.) NOT regretted quitting the job.
7.) Created a card game that I'm going to try to get mass produced.

but the most interesting part was probably going to see one of Rori's volunteers. Now, I'm usually not a big fan of old people: they look like sharpeis, smell like ointment, tell the same stories ad infinitum, and--thanks to Tom Brokaw--have a smug sense of self worth for saving the country from Nazis. I do have to admit, after this most recent encounter, that my views have changed. I now however only dislike old people who are fully cognizant of what they're saying. the aforementioned volunteer's roommate was a senile barrel of laughs who, while we were in the room, muttered such classic lines as:

I .. I need someone to get this sock, this sock.. off my penis!!

USA.. I need help... I.. I need help, I'm not wearing pants. I need pants!! 2007!! USA!!!

Rori and I initially just thought the sock to which the man was referring was a catheter, but upon googling "penis socks"... it turns out they actually DO make Cock Socks/Willy Warmers/Phallus Furnaces [see below]:

This is totally going on my "irreverent Xmas list" for 2008. A list which, in the past has included
The OctoDog
The Reserve-a-spot in Hell Kit (just in case my rousing games of lesbian or leukemia weren't insurance enough)
Bacon Band-Aids
Marriage Proposal via Taco Bell Condiments

For those of you who would like further information on how to make your OWN penis sock, here ya go:
Jack Knit 'n Stuff
Willy Warmers

Future homeless "artist" wants to ruin your wedding

2008-07-14T20:06:00.005-04:00

It always amuses me when i get things like the following:
"My boyfriend is going to the [emo-tastic throw shit on canvas and get paid for it] Institution for film production. He’s trying to start doing freelance work and I’m just trying to help him out. So if you guys know anyone who is getting married and looking for a videographer for cheap, let me know and I’ll be able to work some stuff out. Thanks guys."

Yes, I understand that weddings are expensive undertakings but I'm almost positive that the first thing going through a couple's mind during the "most wonderful day of their lives" isn't "oh, hey, let's get an amateur videographer/photographer." on the bright side, at least he isn't offering to shoot people, like the following ad I received the other day:

Send THIS to HR ... assholes

2008-07-10T19:16:00.007-04:00

So I came in to work today in GREY pants; fucking DARK GREY (gray?) pants and started to check the DPOP online to see what I was doing for the evening. A Co-worker sees me, starts being a dick, and says "where're your black pants" ... to which our Volunteer coordinator turns around and says"where ARE your black pants" .. the following conversation ensued

Me: Grey is a shade of black
Powerless Asshat: no, no it's not
Me: my pants are fine
Powerless Asshat: do you have any black pants with you?
Me: yeah, if you want me to waste 2 hours driving home to get them
Powerless Asshat: Well, [our CEO] DID just send out an email about look. I bet we have some black pants in adventure.
Me: My pants are FINE!

So my thinking here is that it's a SPECIAL event. A.) My pants are from the GAP and they look nicer than half the shit Powerless Asshat lets his volunteers get away with. B.) I STILL hold the belief that about 80% of guests don't give a shit what you look like as long as you help their child and have something on you that proves you work at our museum.

So then Powerless Asshat TRIES to pull rank and forces another Co-Worker to escort me down to Adventure to check for pants. We walk to the atrium and decide that I am taking this to higher powers. So I try to vent to our Team Leader for shows, and god love her... she tried to help, but her mode of conflict resolution is a hug and a puppy. So I leave to find someone higher than that, and our "Master Educator" (still not sure what level of kiss-assery merits that title, but whatever) meets me in the door. I explain my standing to him in the following points:
#1 -- I wasn't trying to circumvent the dress code for once. I honest to god thought my pants counted as black.
#2 -- I was simply trying to look nice for a special event.

Of course, this falls on deaf ears and MASTER Educator reminds me that our CEO DID send out an email cracking down on the look and that he will "HAVE TO" take my shift for the evening because I will be sent home -- without pay.

So, I decided that the wonton misplaced priorities coupled with a yearly review in which all suggestions I made fell on deaf ears meant that 9 months I would have had to wait to move up at the institution weren't worth it for a net pay (after driving 80 miles a day) of little to nothing

I think my exit was epic though, as I started to take off my shirt on my way down the stairs, broke my name tag and left THAT, an AH key, a broken swipe card, and a sweaty Look shirt on my immediate supervisor's desk. All while the FTRA was occupied by about 8-10 Part Timers. How's THAT for corrupting influence?!

OMG, INBD!! (a tribute to my BFF... "Jill")

2008-07-10T00:34:00.006-04:00

For three summers during college, I worked at the YMCA in Lancaster, OH. Mainly, I was in charge of 5-7 year olds, but I still made friends with numerous older campers due to various All-Camp activities. One such camper, we'll call her... "Jill"

... still emails me on a semi-regular basis.

the following letter was the one I received yesterday. It chronicles many things, but I'll just touch on a few of my favorite passages:

"my x boyfriend who is a total dickhead, after 6 months of being together, he decides HMM, I'll sleep with this AUTISTIC girl, Farrah, who lives down the street I mean, he's all like I'll invite Farrah to sleep in a tent with me and then we'll play truth or dare and I'll dare her to get nude and then I'll all like touch her nipple or something. and then we'll play poker. Well, ya know I couldn't just let this slide, so the last day of school I went up and kicked him in the junk. he cried and puked."

--and on the coattails of that GEM--

"oh yeah, BTW, I have anger management issues and I have to go see a counsiler because i get so bad my parents get scared of me"

So let it be known, my loyal readers, that
a) love triangles between autistic people, dickheads, and belligerent teenagers never work out.
b) after you have licked someone's nipple, the only proper thing to do is play truth or dare poker with them. So classy.. so classy

Switch Pitcher likes it from both sides

2008-07-09T03:11:00.004-04:00

Here's a video of NY Yankees AA Prospect Jim Vinditte, an ambidextrous pitcher. Half of me is shaking my head that the Yankees would draft a publicity stunt guy like this, and the other half of me hopes he makes it the major leagues just so the Video Games have to have some f'ed up coding embedded that allows you to switch after every at bat.

Added below is an 8 minute ordeal with Vinditte where he faces a switch hitter, the result is the two parties switching sides more times than in a San Francisco menage-a-trois. Ultimately, the ruling handed down is that the pitcher has the final say since a batter must remain "in the box" (yes, sports are full of euphemisms) after a pitcher has set his position.

and for those of you wondering about the strategic advantages of an ambidextrous hurler... feel free to read the following sabermetrics post, obviously written by a virgin with too much time on his hands.

Only in America (Example #1 of many...)

2008-07-07T18:13:00.004-04:00

This fourth of July brought many things we, as Americans, celebrate for some unbeknownst reason: A innate need to blow shit up, blind allegiance to antiquated ideals, and getting somewhere 3 days early to do absolutely nothing. But oh, my dear friends... something also occurred this weekend that redeemed the human race in my eyes.

Lo, on the 8th day, God created... Competitive Eating!! And he looked upon his creation and was pleased.

And this isn't just ANY eating contest, this is the world famous Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest (because casing your animal byproducts in anything but a sheep's bladder is just unacceptable) !! Depicted here, we see defending Champion Joey Chestnut taking on Japanese Masticator Takeru Kobayashi. Time limits this year were reduced from 12 minutes to 10 minutes.. and for the first time ever... a tie at the end of regulation resulted in a DOG-OFF !! (which, I now believe is the greatest term in all of sports)

Seeing this also brings up a few questions in my mind:
1.) How great a country do we live in that there is ACTUALLY something called the International Federation of Competitive Eating?

2.) How does one get to be An interpreter for a Competitive eater. Seriously.. I mean, you KNOW she's not sleeping with him. Rockstar Competitive Eaters have hot bitches throwing themselves at them (/delusion)!

3.) What rung on the badass ladder do you need to reach in order to conspicuously knuckle-deep pick your nose on ESPN?

it also got me to wondering about some other world records in the world of gastronomy and I really think I can break one of them. This, is my only chance at 15 minutes of eating fame:

WORLD RECORD FOR SUSHI EATING
Nigiri Sushi
141 pieces of Nigiri Sushi/MLE: The Game Promotion
6 Minutes/April 11, 2008
Tim "Eater X" Janus

and for those of you wondering about other eating records, here ya go

Is your Blog/Social Networking site Ugly??

2008-07-06T21:17:00.004-04:00

I've bitched about it plenty of times before but now I believe it is time to elaborate on this subject. This is going to piss off a lot of blog and social networking junkies....

Is your page...ugly?
Don't know? Answer yes to any of the following questions then, yes, you obviously have some clean up to do to your hideous ass Blog/SocNet page.

Question One: Are you a girl?

* All at once, teenage girls across the internet become offended. Seriously though, at this age, it is like you are striving to get the most flashy, gaudy and ugliest page in the universe. And you know what? For each page I come across, that page is indeed, the ugliest god damn page in the universe. And here I thought all girls were supposed to be good at decorating and matching.

Anyway -Why? I'll tell you why.

Are you a girl? - Reason 1 why your page is ugly...

* Glitter, flashy word-art, cherries, playboy bunnies, Brat Dolls, etc. Pretty much anything from a site that has the word 'Glitter' in it. God, these things are ugly...and tacky. I've seen more organized picture placement in spam Cellphone Joke-text commercials on TV. And some of it is more flashy than an anime cartoon; it should come with an damn epilepsy warning. Oh, and nothing says "take me seriously" more than a glitter kitty.

MY personal favorite of the glitter art is the "thanks for subscribing" one. I want to make a reply that says "You'd make a terrible lesbian." or "Thanks, I masturbate to sparkle-pink."

And nothing shows your audience that you are a hardcore, thug bitch more than a cute, glittery label that says so. You need this to show the rest of the Internet world you are hardcore and not to be taken lightly.

Nothing shows your intelligence off more and your willingness to go down like flashy lips and glitter bunnies. This just screams raging whore-slut. This, combined with your naval belly button ring picture you just shot in your bathroom mirror, will get you stalked by lonely 30-year-olds living with their mom in no time!! Just what you were going for! Right?

Question Two: Are there unsized/unorganized pictures all over the place?

Band Labels:

Aww, band labels. The new and improved "backpack band-label patch" for the future...just like we all used to see in high school. All decorated up with safety pins and pyramids with the occasional anarchy sign. Nothing shows your overly broad, underground musical taste and knowledge like the band labels on your site. It also shows off your complete disregard and ignorance to how douchey and god damn tacky that shit looks. Don't forget, you also get a boost to your elitism status too. Honestly....Like anyone looks at your site and says, "Hey, this dude listens to *insert shitty band here*! This guy is totally rad and probably cool to hang around! I mean, hey, look at his cool picture!"

In General:

o The Problem with Band labels or any other crappy ass graphic on your site is that is just too damn big and ugly. I know I am being overly critical but for the love of Jesus people, we all can admit we would rather look at something more aesthetically pleasing...and your five thousand photos of all different sizes is an overload of crap to take in...especially if it is nearly the same goddamnned photo, but someone is looking the other way or blinking.

o I do admit: Photos (when organized) are fun to look at. In fact, it is pretty much the only reason why people look at your site...that and to read comments. Unless it is the typical emo,sad and in-depth look...that shit just irrates me.

o Bottom line? If there is a horizantal scroll bar when you read your page, it is damn ugly and ridiculous looking.

Question Three: Is your "About Me" ridiculously too long?

Scrolling Glitter Art:

o I already hit on this. But this is SCROLLING glitter art...like a marquee. Extra ugly. Extra annoying. Extra slutty.

More Quizzes:

o "What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?" "How well do you kiss?" "R U fukin Kul?" Guess what? NO ONE CARES! If you are going to do a quiz, do something fun like "Do you look at your shit after you take a dump?" or "Fold or Crumple?"

Question Four: Can I read your damned text?

Background Matching Text:

o This one is a BIG offender. I still can't comprehend why some of you out there insist on doing this.
o Example: Read the message below.
+ You cant Read this because for some reason, I made this text the same color sa the background, now you have to highlight it to read it. I am a fucking retard for doing this.

Ugly ass Background:

o Ooooh we can't forget the ugly ass backgrounds that plague just about every one of your sites out there...here is a list that counts as diarrhea for the eyes:
+ graphics that make text impossible to read...and then scroll with page when you try to move it
+ animated backgrounds...ALWAYS ugly and annoying
+ Bright, neon fucking colors with pink or yellow text...that shit makes my eyes bleed

Crossed out Text:

o Pages with all the text crossed out are fucking stupid. but tons of people do it anyway.

Question Four: Is there any music playing when your page loads?

Music:

o Let me ask you a question: What is the FIRST thing you do when looking at a some random's webpage? Hit pause on the lame song they have automatically queued up to play. Kudos to anyone that has this shit already on pause. No one will EVER...ever listen to your song. Ever.

Music Videos:

o I hate these things. This goes with the Music catagory. PAUSE THAT CRAP!!! I like music videos but not when you guys have 120948 of them that all load up at once. This being said, read below:.

Great...I'm at work, I just clicked on your trash filled page and now my entire fucking computer froze because it was trying to play all five trillion MTV/TRL videos at the same damn time.

Slow down or freeze: java/flash games, puzzles, nineteen thousand music videos, etc etc

o Because of your spammy ass maze game, puzzle java game, your nineteen trillion music videos, your agonizingly boring picture slide shows at 1600 x 1200 resolution...you caused my entire computer to take a shit. Now I really hate your page.

Crash: unacceptable

o You don't deserve to be on the Internet. Call AOL up and have them cancel your account immediately.

In Conclusion:

Hopefully with this list, all of you out there that are violating these laws with your grotesque ass myspace pages will make some improvements. If not, oh well. I will keep on being the hypocrite I am and tearing into trashy, awful looking sites with glee.

Prety sure Freedom isn't selective

2008-07-05T11:03:00.004-04:00

It's an old rant, but it still holds true. Happy INDEPENDENCE Day

So I get home this evening and, for some unknown reason, I start to peruse the drivel that is MySpace Bulletins. And what should I come across but some horribly narrow minded and illogical post forwarded by someone who probably just Hit Copy/Paste, and perpetuated a mindset of hate.

This bulletin starts out by making a sweeping generalization that people of all ethnicities aside from Caucasian are hypocrites because they simply want to celebrate their own holidays and establish collegiate settings to better their race(s).

Now, I'm certainly not the most PC of fellas, but something here strikes a chord. In all these cases, the only way the prosecuting individual can make a case is by using polar examples... "All-Black colleges vs. All-White colleges" or "BET" or even by going so far as to say "I don't get offended when you call me 'cracker', why do you get offended why I call you n***er?' "

So, let's try to help out their myopic little eyes into focus: In terms of Universities, the first American University (Harvard, BTW) was founded in 1650. I don't have any hard, empirical evidence to back up my claim, but I'm gonna go ahead and say they probably didn't have any African-Americans at Harvard back then...submit a rebuttal to this if you find anything to the contrary. On the other hand, the Tuskeegee Institute, the progenitor of America's All African-American schools wasn't founded until 1881, nearly 231 years later for those of you too tired to do the math. Maybe it's the bleeding heart-liberal in me, but maybe 231 years of inequality deserves the people a lil' sumpin'-sumpin'. And I don't really know an All-Mexican, All-Jewish, All-Arabic, or All-Asian school in the United States that would serve as an alternative source of fuel for your claims.

As for Television stations and pejoratives. Just because it's called Black Entertainment Television doesn't mean that it's viewed by all African-American people. Making that claim is about as ludicrous as saying that Foreigners have never seen ABC (the AMERICAN Broadcasting Company). If you wanna get technical, a large majority of the programming on that channel is Rap/R&B music... a demographic whose sales are garnered by 60% white people, "crackers" if you will. And again, there are no All-Jewish, or All-Arabic channels on TV without special cable programming; and you certainly can't count Mind Of Mencia or the George Lopez show as All-Mexican TV... because frankly, those shows suck.

And lastly, the chasm of emotional response evoked by calling someone cracker and calling someone a n---er isn't even remotely close. Crackers are something we eat, n---er is someone who by law was only 60% of a person, someone who had their family sold, was whipped or killed for the slightest hint of insubordination, and who was told when and with whom to procreate.

To Close.. here's the thing I think is most disconcerting. This message won't have a tremendous effect on people. Because most of the people who have the same ideologies as I do will take one look at this, see that it's long and has big words, and they'll hit the back button and go onto the newest blog with pictures and glittery shit about who their prom date was junior year, or what their favorite sexual position is. Which brings me to this final point: Differences don't have to be bad. The difference in this blog from the ones that you usually read certainly isn't doing any harm; and the difference between what you do after you read most blog and what you do after you read this one could have a lot of impact in the future.

Thoughts from Origins '08

2008-07-02T23:31:00.005-04:00

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm a giant nerd. More specifically however, I am a gaming nerd. Board Games, Card Games, Video games, etc etc. No, I've never been to Gen-Con... but I try to frequent the convention known as Origins every year.

Subsequently, I am disappointed by the lack of truly original games on the market. For beginners, let's start with my personal philosophy on how NOT to make a game:

Eric's Post-Origins Guide to making a good game:
a.) Don't make a game like another game. There were so many fucking domino, pokemon, and uno rip offs there that I wanted to cut off my hands so I wouldn't have to play them.
b.) Just because you combined the concepts of 2 games doesn't make your game cool. Woohoo, you made a game that combines Connect 4 with checkers. Congratu-fucking-lations.
c.) Don't take a card game, fabricate pieces for it, and then charge me 20$ for it. I could make the same damn thing with some note cards and some markers... why do I need to pay your ass for this?
d.) Don't put people at your booths if they can't explain your games well. Mimic was perhaps the worst game I've ever played, and the guy at the Cheapass booth just ruined a perfectly good series for me
e.) Don't make a game where someone can win the game in one turn (I call this "wheel of fortune syndrome"). A good game should have a decent amount of strategy inherent to the beginning, middle, and end of each game.

Now, that being said, let's take a look at how the conversations in R&D might have gone for some of the games seen at this year's convention:

Killer Bunnies
Person A: ok, ok, here's an idea. Let's put some cutesy, random shit on glossy cardboard and sell it to people who don't really care about games so they can force their significant other to play it in a hellacious test of committment!
Person B: that doesn't sound like it sucks enough. It'll never get past the board of Directors
Person A: ok, ok, ok. What if.. what if we take out ALL elements of strategy by making this about rabbits.... no no no.. BUNNIES. And, and....we'll make them search for a magic carrot. But, uh, you can only get the carrots by purchasing them from a market. We'll call it... what's that shit Madonna's into now? Oh! Kaballah... we'll call it Kaballah's market. And let's honor all 16 friends we have by anthropomorphizing them onto the carrot cards
Person B: what the hell is anthropomorphizing
Person A: fuck you. don't interrupt! So we've got out friends on carrots..
Person B: but what if we make one of the carrots better than the other, then our friends will get pissed?!
Person A: Goddammit, what did I tell you about interrupting!! Ah, well...we'll uh, we'll make the winning carrot appear at random at the end of the game. Ya know, after everyone has played for 2 hours on our shit of a game.
Person B: but what about that toothless waitress at Denny's who gave you a BJ last night? We should honor here somehow.
Person A: righty-o. Let's call her... Flo. All the gamers like menstrual allusions.
Person B: religious stereotypes and period puns... sounds like a Great Game... let's go pitch it.

Time's Up
Person X: ok, so here's my idea. Let's make a game where groups of drunk people have to guess other people.
Person Y: Sounds like the last frat party I was at, go on.
person X: ok, so we'll make three rounds and the first round will be like ... {spins wheel of ideas} ... uh, arrow landed on Taboo. First round will be like Taboo. Second round will be like [spins wheel again].... Fuck!! Charades?! the second round will be like Charades?!
Person Y: Don't question the wheel!!
Person X: Yes sir! But may I suggest another round to offset how blatantly ripped off this is?
Person Y: Indubitably
Person X... we'll, uh. we'll make the 2nd round a half-assed mix of Taboo and Charades
Person Y: Yeah! and let's prove how much better we are than everyone else by making half the names of people to guess completely inaccessible. Like... Charles Birdseye!
Person X: Who teh fuck is Charles Birdseye?
Person Y: It doesn't matter, we're not the ones guessing
Person X: Yeah! fuck them, let's add obscure Children's literature characters too... like uh, Ferdinand the Bull
Person Y: Agreed

Now, this is not to say that there weren't some decent games, such as:

You've been sentenced
Magic: The Gathering

but, my favorite of all the ones there had to be something called: TRAILER PARK WARS
In this game, you act as the manager/landlord of a Trailer Park complex. You are in charge of rent (money is dipensed in the form of plastic pink flamingoes), and you can make the overweight stripper hook up with the mullet-bearing chronic smoker. If there's a rival park across the way (e.g. The Gonorrhea Grotto, or Taxidermy and Tornadoes) you can lower their reputation--if that's possible--by sending things like roach infestations, etc. What makes this even better is that the woman who made this game is from Kentucky.

This Just In (no pun intended)

2008-06-25T18:42:00.007-04:00

From Yahoo! News:

Pedophilia leads to the utter decimation of our pristine, Oceanic ecosystem. So, cut it out you sick bastards!

Domo Arigato... in bed

2008-06-25T17:47:00.007-04:00

In my small, rural, hometown (about 45 minutes from Columbus), there are a whopping 3 Chinese restaurants. None of them have any distinguishable differences aside from the ages of their wait staff. However, they do have some strikingly peculiar similarities. As if to perpetuate some cultural stereotype, all the eateries have the following

1.) Kenny G's greatest hits on the Muzak player (usually, the track is stuck on Moon River)
2.) Television turned to some Asian soap opera. Complete with Wide-Eyed Samurai love-interest
3.) Large Koi in little tank

My personal favorite of the 3 is a place called "Grand Buffet," located within Wal-Mart's 3 mile "radius of indignity." The owner of said establishment is a jovial fellow who reminds me of a young Pat Morita. He regularly chats up anyone with whom I eat, and some of his classic lines include

Mr. Miyagi: you like Chinese food?
Us: Yeah, Egg Rolls, WonTon.. all the good stuff. You guys need sushi though
Miyagi: Well, I like American food. Want to know what my favorite American restaurant is?
Us: Uh, sure?!
Miyagi: Hooters. . Sometimes, I no eat there at all
===

Miyagi: is that your baby
Random Lady: Why yes
Miyagi: very precious, very precious. How old?
Lady: 6 weeks
Miyagi: very cute, very nice. Is it a boy or a girl?
===

What cemented the place as my favorite low-class dining establishment was the following receipt I received on a low-key Monday:

ok,
a) if that waitress's name was Cindy.. my name is Mao.
b) Sonuvabitch, I missed mother's day AGAIN.

ah well, Gung Hei Fat Choi everyone

We mourn you, Mr. Conductor

2008-06-23T13:53:00.003-04:00

" Words are all we have, really"
R.I.P George Carlin 1937 - 2008

*EDIT*: June 25th, 2008

Originally, I had a insightful diatribe from Carlin himself about the difference between "coincidence" and "irony." However, in talking to one of my supervisors yesterday, I came to the realization that many people didn't really get the genius that was George Carlin. Take for example this interaction:

Me: George Carlin died yesterday, that's really sad for the comedic world
Uber Conservative Supervisor: Yeah

U.C.Super: He was really vulgar wasn't he
Me: Well... yeah...but he was a lot of other things too.

indeed, Carlin could claim a panoply of titles: He was a rebel, he was a grammarian, he was the invisible task force helping to minimize bullshit in America. Must we be reminded of his arrest in July of 1972 after the groundbreaking "7 words'" routine. It was his brash sense of humor that allowed him to be the inaugural guest on SNL (October 11th, 1975), and it was his determination and paradigm that "there are no bad words" which eventually led the FCC to break down and allow for THREE of his SEVEN "bad" words to be uttered on air.

So, sure, Carlin very rarely went a gig without saying fuck or piss or shit. But those are just words, and the fact that you have the ability to put an idea behind those words and decided for yourself that those words are improper would do nothing to George Carlin but make him smile in his grave, sated with the fact that he has done his job and passed his legacy to another generation.

If I was invisible...

2008-06-20T22:12:00.003-04:00

When I first got the internet back in 1998, the first IM client I installed was the oft-misunderstood ICQ (yes, a clever play on "I-seek-you"). With it's playful "uh-Oh" , it garnered the attention of many of my friends, and we would chat away the hours about Nelly songs and how leggings would never come back into style.

My favorite thing about ICQ, however, was a little thing called Invisible. Users could manually add people to their invisible list and these people would be able to see you regardless of status. Those individuals not on your invisible list would have to wait for you to IM them before they could start a conversation.

Fast forward about 2 years, and the vast majority of people at my university were using AOL IM. Despite the fact that it sucks a big cock, I gave into peer pressure and downloaded it onto my Gateway Astro. Fastforward an entire decade, and NO ONE has thought to adopt the invisible list... perhaps the greatest idea to ever hit online, "social" interaction EVER.

Not Trillian (whose interface and GUI also suck giant cock)
Not Digsby (though they have every other f**king option known to man)
Not Gmail (whose default chat logging capabilities tend to get yours truly in trouble)
And certainly not AOL (oooh, look, you can play games and video chat and be bombarded with ads!!)

Which leads to 3 options:
1.) You can block those annoying fuckers, and face the wrath once they realize you have done so
2.) You can hit the pseudo-hindi eye in the top right corner and go Anti-Social, allowing NO ONE to email you.
3.) Or, you can take the Facbook route and give users NO options whatsoever when they chat... allowing pretty much any of the 1,031 strangers whom you have BEGGED to be your friends to shanghaIM* you with reckless abandon.

this being said, here's a link for those of you still stuck with the shittiness that is AOL to mssg me.**

*ShanghaIM - to message someone while they are IMing another person, this causing Person A to type to YOU what they meant to type to Person B. Hilarity ensues... and by hilarity, I simply mean SOMEONE is going to get pissed off at someone else when all is said and done.

** make sure AOL IM is running when you click the link

Roundhouse Kick in a Can

2008-06-19T14:57:00.001-04:00

Not to be outdone by Tiger Woods's new racist Gatorade or Hulk Hogan's Energy Cola, Steven Seagal has unleashed on the masses his own Guarine-fest of mediocrity: Behold...

Full of Ginseng, Guarana, and Goji Berry [warning: may cause anal leakage] and Endorsed by the man himself, Segal claims this to be

"A natural energy drink packed with vitamins and "exotic" botanicals."

What I find particularly amusing is that the flavor is advertised as "Asian Experience." So, uh, those of you hoping for a happy ending will be sorely disappointed. They were even so nice as to provide a number for those inquiring minds who want to know "What the hell is a Goji Berry?"

Eh, whatever. I guess if Chuck Norris can endorse a presidential candidate. Seagal can endorse whatever he wants

The Death of Adverbs

2008-06-17T20:08:00.002-04:00

It just so happens that the newest hire at work (henceforth referred to as Meghan) is a Creative Writing major; and, while her physical appearance seems to be quite androgynous, she is able to hold a converation about more than the Ideal Gas Law or Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle (which is Quite refreshing for an English major stuck in the mundane world of not-for-profit-science).

While Meghan was shadowing me today, she mentioned something that floored me: Professors in the vast majority of her classes are instructing their students NOT to use adverbs. It is their belief that the use of adverbs can be completely eradicated if a writer simply knows enough adjectives. Being a covert lexophile, I quickly tried to muster up a sentence where an adverb was imperative (without relying on those evil, EVIL adverbial clauses). Having much more training on this, Meghan was able to stifle all challenges (all 3 of them) I was able to throw at her.

But really, after I had time to stop and think about this. My ability--or inability even--to come up with a legitimate case for adverbs doesn't really diminish our NEED for them. Having a wide array of these very PARTS of speech is what makes language, in my not so humble opinion, so enjoyable. I hold the same opinion about expletives. Where's the logic in saying "you're so intelligent, why do you need to use curse words?" Well, because curse words EXIST! And besides, despite the fact that "traverse to the nether regions of Hades you fornicator with a maternal penchant" sounds cool, it's far more succint and effective to simply say "Go to hell, motherfucker." See, not only do I have a command of BOTH sets of words, but I've had fun with them in the meantime. As George Carlin so elegantly put it, "words are all we have really."

So those of you out there who enjoy writing, please continue to use adverbs as prolifically as you please. For that matter, use gerunds, clitics, objective corellatives, and any other literary device that makes your heart content. Too many people today are followers, and we needn't have their ranks start writing.